Issue #45: The Impact of Grief
Learn about what grief is, which stages you can go through and what symptoms occur
Dear mental health advocate,
Are you currently dealing with the loss of a loved one? Or have you ever experienced this before? It is likely that the grieving process has had enormous impact on your life. In today’s free edition of The Present Psychologist Paper I will dive deeper into the grieving process and explain what it can look like. Know it is different for everyone, but it does have some commonalities. Want to know more? Keep on reading…
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The Impact of Grief
Have you ever lost anyone close to you? If yes, you probably know the immense consequences their passing has had on you. Whether this is a partner, a parent, child, family member, friend, colleague, it can impact you tremendously. As I grew up in the West, the existence of death and everything around it is something people generally avoid talking about. We all know it happens, but we tend to rather not bring it up in conversations. As a result, when someone dies then it can feel incredibly lonely finding ways to deal with it. People often do not know what to say or pretend it is not there, only willing to bring distractions.
It does make sense. If you are never taught to discuss or reflect much on death, then it is difficult to manage the effects when you are confronted with it. I know this from experience. I’m not sure how people deal with death and grief in your culture or surroundings, but I thought it could be helpful to shed some light on how it impacts our mental health. There are a lot of symptoms both physically and emotionally when you are grieving. It is a rollercoaster with ups and downs, with several stages you can go through.
What is grief?
If anyone dies that you have a connection with, whether this is a close bond or not, it is possible that you suffer from all sorts of emotions and consequences. The American Psychological Association explains grief as follows:
“Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person.
Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts.
Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.”
All these emotions and symptoms can be extremely severe. How we grieve and what we go through is different for everyone. There is not one way to grieve. For some it takes a short time, for others a very long time and for many it can change their lives forever. In the psychological field, a very impactful theory about the process of grief is the Kübler-Ross model, one that is very familiar to you. It shaped grief therapy immensely and definitely is worth noting, although it has drawbacks.
The stages of grief
Let me start by mentioning and highlighting again that grief is a process that looks different on everyone. There is no right or wrong. If you feel okay sooner than expected and this leads to feelings of guilt, that is perfectly normal. If you just don’t seem to get better with grieving, you are not the only one. Nevertheless, I want to share the Kübler-Ross model which explains how the grief process can go. It sheds light on different stages that a person can experience while grieving. However, please bear in mind this is not the only way to grieve. Not everyone goes through these phases or through this order. Use these stages as information about what can happen.
The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance in this particular order:
Denial: In the initial stage, you often experience shock and disbelief. It might be difficult to accept the reality of your own impending death or the loss of a loved one. Denial serves as a coping mechanism that provides a temporary shield from the intensity of the situation. It helps you to process the news or situation at a pace that feels manageable.
Anger: As the denial begins to wane, the pain and reality of the situation sets in. In response to this pain, you may become angry. This anger can be directed toward the circumstances, fate, others, or even the person who has passed away. It is a natural part of the grieving process and can be a way to channel and express the underlying pain and sorrow.
Bargaining: In the bargaining stage, you may try to make deals or promises in an attempt to change the situation or avoid the inevitable outcome. This often involves seeking some form of compromise with a higher power or fate. You might ask yourself, "If only I had done this differently, maybe things would have turned out better."
Depression: This stage is characterized by profound sadness, sorrow, and feelings of hopelessness. It is a deep and painful response to the reality of the loss. If you find yourself in the depression stage you may experience a range of emotions, including loneliness, helplessness, and a sense of emptiness. It's important to note that clinical depression is different from the depression stage in the model, but both can coexist.
Acceptance: In the final stage, you might begin to come to terms with the reality of your own mortality or the loss of a loved one. You find a way to accept what has happened and adjust to a new normal. Acceptance does not necessarily mean being okay with the situation but rather being at peace with it and finding ways to move forward in life.
As I said, it is perfectly possible to skip a stage, go back and forth or have them in a different order. So please, do not ever think the way you are grieving is wrong. Just be careful with finding unsustainable coping mechanisms to deal with the grief, like substance abuse.
Typical grief symptoms
Losing someone you love impacts you in a way that is often both physical and mental. Your entire body can feel different as a result of the grief. Aside of this, your relationships with others can change to, as your social batteries are not the same. Below are some examples of typical grief symptoms. Again, you do not have to have all of these, they are just and indication:
Mental symptoms
Difficulty concentrating: The emotional turmoil of grief can make it hard to focus on tasks, work, or daily responsibilities.
Memory issues: Grief may impact your memory, making it challenging to recall information and details.
Existential questions: Grief often leads you to question the meaning of life, your own mortality, and your place in the world.
Physical symptoms
Sleep disturbances: Insomnia or disrupted sleep patterns are common during periods of grief, as racing thoughts and emotional distress can make it difficult to rest.
Fatigue: The emotional intensity of grief can lead to physical exhaustion, leaving you feeling drained and lethargic.
Appetite changes: Grief can disrupt eating habits, leading to either a loss of appetite or overeating. Weight fluctuations are common.
Physical symptoms: Grief can also manifest in physical symptoms like headaches, muscle tension, and a weakened immune system.
Social symptoms
Social withdrawal: If you experience grief you might isolate yourselves from friends and family, making it challenging to maintain social connections.
Changes in relationships: Grief can strain existing relationships, as you might struggle to communicate your feelings and needs to loved ones.
Seeking support: On the other hand, you might turn to friends, support groups, or therapists to cope with your grief.
If you have lost someone close to you, I’m sorry. It is painful and can feel like your entire world is falling apart. Take your time to deal with your feelings and never let anyone tell you it’s time to move on. Do it on your own time. But, if you feel like you are stuck, please reach out to a mental health professional. This can help you a lot.
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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