Advice #2: My Fears Consume Me...

How to deal with intense fears, working on avoiding self-blame, ended friendships and letting go of grudges

Dear mental health advocate,

About a month ago I shared the first edition of The Present Psychologist Pointers. In these editions I will write about struggles some of my followers have agreed to share anonymously and provide some ideas and tips how to deal with them. Today you can find here the second issue as I received positive reactions! I will discuss four cases in each of these articles. Please bear in mind I do not have the entire context and it is possible my advice would not work in your situation. I try to keep the advice general. These columns are intended as education and not as a solution. If you are suffering, please focus on finding a mental health professional near you. Do you want a problem you are currently facing discussed? Reply to this email or reply to my stories on Instagram where I sometimes add a question to share a mental health struggle.

In today’s issue, the following four cases will be covered:

• Case 1: My Fears Consume Me…

• Case 2: Struggling With Self-Blame

• Case 3: An Ended Friendship

• Case 4: Letting Go of Grudges

Keep on reading to find out more!

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Case 1: My Fears Consume Me…

‘I suffer from different fears such as driving, going to the supermarket and social situations. It feels very isolating and has resulted in me not leaving the house. I am afraid to walk outside and this limits me so much. I just want to live my life and not be paralyzed. How can I overcome this?’ - Person Y, UK

Fears can be debilitating. Many people suffer from all sorts of fears and phobias, sometimes standing in the way of completing their daily routines. While it is nothing to be ashamed of, it is important to seek help from a mental health professional to overcome strong fears and phobias if they limit you. Not many people are able to just flip the switch and turn off the fears. Luckily, fears and phobias are known to be quite treatable. All of use fear things in life, some more than others, but we all struggle with them. Fears are perfectly human, we were designed to be cautious and be afraid of certain situations because it improved our survival chances. However, our world has changed so much that we sometimes fear more intensely than is needed.

Phobias are seen by psychologists as an irrational fear, as the likelihood of something bad happening is low when looking at the danger the event or thing poses. The brain needs to be conditioned into believing and trusting that there is not much danger, but that is difficult because the thought of being exposed to or being confronted with the thing/event triggers major anxiety and panic. Counterintuitive as it may sound, what often works best in such situations is exposure therapy. Researchers found that people need to experience a fear in real life before they can actually overcome it. This requires exposure in gradual steps, so the brain can be conditioned that there is no or hardly any danger around.

If talking with a mental health professional is still a step too far, other short-term strategies are available too:

• 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique: when you are experiencing fear or anxiety with no danger around, there is a method which can help. Name five things you see, four things you can feel or touch, three things you hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste.

• Positive self-talk: if we experience irrational fear, we can be our own worst enemy. Each step you take towards overcoming it is commendable, no matter how small. Don’t expect yourself to change overnight, just take it one step at a time. When you do, praise and encourage yourself.

• Allow your feelings: Don’t fight all your emotions. It is important to be aware of them, what are you actually feeling? Learn how to process them and allow yourself to really sit with your emotions. Only then you will understand your reactions and triggers better.

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Case 2: Struggling With Self-Blame

‘My self-esteem seems to be at an all time low. I constantly blame myself for everything that is going wrong. It even seems as if I cannot do anything right and feel like I am not a good person. How can I best deal with this?’ - Person A, Luxemburg