Issue #40: Dealing With Loneliness
Learn about what it means to feel lonely, how to manage it and why it is not the same as being alone.
Dear mental health advocate,
Do you ever feel lonely? Many of us do from time to time, but what might surprise you is that some people deal with loneliness even though they often find themselves in the company of others. It is perfectly possible to have a big group of friends, a romantic relationship, a close bond with family members and still feel like you are lonely. In this free edition of The Present Psychologist Paper I will dive deeper in what it means to be lonely, what the difference is with being alone and how you can deal with it.
This Year’s Archive 📂
Whether you are new to The Present Psychologist Paper or not, I’d like to let you know that on this platform I send out biweekly editions with articles about psychology and mental health. Every other week I send out a free version, but also a paid version. The free one consists of one article, the paid one has two extra. If you are interested, I have a 20% discount both for the monthly and yearly subscription.
Instead of $5.50 a month or $55 a year you can now subscribe for $4.40 a month or $44 a year! The price of a cheap takeaway coffee each month, cancellable when you want and you would support me as a freelancer to keep the content going as well as improve your own mental health.
If you subscribe, you will also get access to the complete archive of all the previous editions and bonus content. Here you can see all these older issues:
The Present Psychologist Paper Premium Editions
Advice Columns
Bonus Content
Dealing With Loneliness
As humans, the company of others is often needed to a certain extent to live a fulfilling life. There are not a lot of us that thrive in complete solitude all of the time. Yes, we need time to recharge by ourselves, introverts exist and not everyone needs to continuously find themselves in a social setting. But even though our social preferences vary, almost all of us can potentially become or feel lonely. Loneliness can occur because we feel misunderstood, because we do not fit in, because we yearn for a deep connection with someone else that is not there, because people we love have left us, because others are not listening to us and many more reasons.
The numbers do not lie. Research conducted at Harvard shows that 36% of people questioned reported that they were dealing with ‘serious loneliness’. Even more striking, of the young adults between ages 18 and 25 in total 61% felt lonely frequently. That’s a pretty high number. Interestingly, even with social media and how easy it is to be in touch with others, loneliness still is a big problem. In today’s article, I want to help shed more light on why loneliness occurs, why people perceive it in a different way and also what you can do about it.
What is loneliness?
One of the biggest misconceptions people have is that loneliness equals being alone. That is not the case. ‘Lonely’ and ‘alone’ are two different things. To understand better how to distinguish them, let me explain loneliness first:
‘The experience that your relationships are lower in quality and/or quantity than desired. It is ultimately a subjective, personal circumstance. Not every person feels lonely in the same situation. What an individual perceives ‘loneliness’ to be often remains the same throughout their life.’
On the other hand, being alone is something different. It is more a state of being, while loneliness is a feeling. As I mentioned before, introverts exist. Some people recharge best when they are alone and can enjoy spending the entire day by themselves without connecting with anyone and will not feel lonely. Loneliness is in general seen as a negative experience, because the person feels a need to connect with others but is unable to in the way they want. Being alone can be seen as a positive experience without a need to socially bond. Loneliness leads to a disconnect in the body and result in distress.
Loneliness can have severe consequences. Researchers have found that chronic loneliness can cause depression and/or anxiety. Besides this, chronic loneliness also has a negative impact on life expectancy.
What does loneliness look like?
If you are dealing with loneliness, your symptoms can vary. It does not always present itself in the same way for everyone. Below is a list of typical signs of loneliness, but keep in mind that not all need to be present for you to experience loneliness:
You constantly feel tired
You are excessively trying to distract yourself, like bingeing tv shows
You are feeling like there is no reason to get up.
You are feeling unwell all the time
You have gained a lot of weight
You are having social anxiety
You are spending too much time on social media
You are frustrated and have low patience for things
You focus on getting material things as a substitute
You feel disconnected from other people
Because not everyone experiences loneliness in the same way or for the same reasons, I wanted to share as well several dimensions of loneliness. Canadian psychologist Ami Rockach researched loneliness and theorized there are five different dimensions. According to Rockach, to feel lonely, you do not need to score on all five of them. Two or three of these are already sufficient enough:
Interpersonal isolation: the belief that no one cares about you and you have no close relationships.
Emotional distress: the physical feeling of loneliness, which can look like hurt, heartbreak and pain.
Self-alienation: when you are separating the mind from the body to avoid feeling the pain of loneliness.
Social inadequacy: worrying you are not worthy of company, you are dealing with feelings of uselessness.
Growth and discovery: when you are learning from coping with loneliness and growing because of the experience.
How to deal with loneliness
A better world starts with yourself, right? Before I will share some tips how to deal with your own loneliness, I also want to give some insights how you can help others that are dealing with loneliness as well (and in the process, it might even cure your own!). Why? Because it is very common for people that are close to each other to still experience loneliness. If you suspect someone else feels lonely or when they share their vulnerability with you, this is how you could help:
Acknowledgement. Listen to what they are saying and help them discuss their feelings.
Expression. Tell people how much you care about them and show it.
Quality time. Spend time with them and be there for someone who is lonely.
Perseverance. Don’t give up, dealing with loneliness can take time.
Invitations. Propose activities that the person might like to do.
Consistency. Show up regularly, not just once.
Aside from these tips, it might well be the case that you are drowning in your own loneliness and you do not have the energy to help others. In that case, to heal yourself you could try the following:
Soak up some sun outside (or just breathe some fresh air). It can help calm you down and feel connected with nature.
Share your feelings. People cannot read your mind, if you are struggling, let others know so they can help if necessary.
Try out volunteering. It gives both a sense of purpose and it will help you bond with other people.
Join an online community. If you have a specific hobby or some interest, finding like-minded others can feel good.
Focus on things you enjoy. If it is still hard to connect, do things you love and make you feel good about yourself.
Look for a new hobby. If you do not know what to do with your time, finding a new hobby can be a great way to stay busy and meet new people.
Get help from therapists. It is not always possible to help yourself without support. Therapy can be a useful way to cope.
Get a Poster from the Present Psychologist!
Sometimes people have send me DMs and emails asking me if I sell posters for some of my posts. Mainly these requests have come from people working in an office or as school teachers. While it is hard to set up a print shop with physical deliveries as you all live in different countries, I decided to start with posters that can be bought as digital downloads in high resolution quality. You can then go to your local print shop and customize them how you want.
This has some advantages:
No shipping costs
Making as many copies as you want
Getting different sizes all at once
Picking your own material, size and frame
Want to find out more? Click the button below to visit my Etsy Shop:
Help me raise awareness 💌
My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
Will you help me achieve my goal by spreading this newsletter? 6280 mental health advocates already have subscribed. Help me out by sharing this subscription link either within your network or mention/tag me on social media!
Not subscribed to The Present Psychologist Paper yet yourself? Please click the button below to ensure you will receive the next edition in your inbox:
If you have any questions, please comment here and I am happy to respond!
So great to see self-alienation included here. I think that disconnect between mind and body is a big piece of the puzzle that's rarely talked about in the dialogue around loneliness, but we cannot truly connect with the world around us if we are disconnected from ourself, in a sense there is 'noone home' to connect. Thanks for naming this