Issue #39: The Psychology Behind Secrets
Learn about what happens when you hide the truth and how to deal with secrecy in general
Dear mental health advocate,
Are you a person with a lot of secrets? Chances are that you likely have some. Maybe a few small ones, maybe a few big ones. Every human has them, so on one hand I would say don’t worry too much. But at the same time, secrecy can have a significant impact on your mental health. In this free edition of The Present Psychologist Paper, I will dive deeper into the psychology behind secrets. There’s a lot of interesting research that you might want to know more about…
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The Psychology Behind Secrets
How many secrets do you have? Think about it for a bit. You could even make a list of them (as long as you are sure to keep it somewhere safe and hidden). Why? Because at first thought, people might not be able to remember a few of their secrets. Many become experts in hiding certain truths, from others but also from themselves. Writing them down is very confronting, but it can help you rethink and categorize your secrets a bit better, whether they are small or have a big impact. You are probably wondering what the use of this exercise is. Well, I will explain that to you and how they impact mental health. However, before I do, let’s unpack a bit better what secrets are.
So, how do you define a secret? As often with such complex constructs there are many different ones we can use. I am reusing one that has been created by researchers from the American Psychological Association (APA), which is quite interesting:
‘The moment of actively withholding information, but also having the intention to keep something secret from another person—even when that other person isn’t physically present.’
In one of these studies by Slepian and others, they researched to what extent people keep secrets. Based on their results they categorized almost 40 different types of secrets. Examples of these categories are: cheating, hobbies, sexual behavior, preferences, hobbies, discontentment, addiction, relationships and desires. These secrets can touch three different dimensions:
Immorality: Some secrets find their origin in what both the secret keeper and other people would see as immoral behavior. Think about damaging acts such as breaking a law or harming someone else. Other secrets are considered not immoral at all, such as having a certain hobby.
Connectedness: Some secrets involve a relational aspect between several people that affects them. Think about a person having a secret affair with someone else without their partner knowing or hiding a pregnancy. Other secrets do not have this relational aspect, for example when a person has a political affiliation they do not tell anyone about.
Insight: For some secrets the whole reason why a certain piece of information needs to be concealed is because there is knowledge about something that cannot be shared with others without consequence. Think about confidentiality agreements or military secrets. Other secrets are not based on knowledge or insights like having a disease.
One of the findings was that around 97% of all people carry at least one secret in one of these categories and the average person even has secrets in about 13 of these categories! That is quite astonishing in my opinion. And hiding so many things, that does sound like something that must have a negative influence on someone’s mental health, right?
The impact of secrets on mental health
When reading about psychology studies that examined the effect of secrecy on someone’s emotions, I was surprised to learn about a few things. For example, there are two important aspects when it comes to secrets. One, the effort people put into hiding secrets and how often they try to cover it up from others. Secondly, there is also the matter of how often a person actually thinks about the secret and the effort of hiding it. The results might also amaze you… Researcher Slepian mentions that it is not necessarily the work itself that we put in to conceal our secrets that harms our wellbeing, instead it is the frequency of our thoughts that focus on the secret or the thoughts about the effort needed.
Other reasons why keeping secrets are harmful for our mental health have to do with the fact that they evoke certain emotions. Many secrets are based on shame or guilt for example. If others would only knew the truth, then shame or guilt would be immensely triggered if we are aware we have done something bad. On the other hand, we also know that the truth or some secrets are very painful to others when they come out. If we made a mistake that we do not want others to know because it will hurt them, we hide it, which in turn also hurts our self-image negatively.
Another explanation why secrets can damage you: they are very exhausting. In order to keep them hidden, it requires a lot of effort and vigilance all the time. Every moment it can come out, you need to lie, steer the conversation into a different direction or even need to find a way to distract others. Imagine being a closeted teenage girl living at home with very strict parents that might not accept her sexual orientation. In order to survive, she needs to constantly hide pieces of her identity which costs a lot of energy and negative thoughts. Secrets of such a magnitude are known to lead to anxiety and depression.
How to deal with secrets?
Luckily, there is also a lot of information available on the other side of the coin: when you are coming clean. Confession is a big thing in certain religions for a reason. Once you are freeing yourself of a certain secret, you might feel a sense of relief. The truth is out, and now it is not necessary anymore to put so much effort into hiding it. Here are some other insights linked to sharing your secret and what happens when the unspeakable get outs:
Divulging your secrets to others can significantly reduce stress and exhaustion.
Writing your secrets down can help you with finding clarity, categorizing it and help stop you ruminating on it.
If you come out of hiding, you can come to terms with your behavior and face the consequences. This can feel very freeing, like some sort of absolution.
Sharing a secret about something that is not immoral, like your identity or a hobby can feel very liberating and help you live more authentically.
Putting a secret into words can help you explore the content and situation better, as well as understanding the deeper thoughts and feelings behind it.
Secrets are a mental distraction, they cost energy, impact sleep negatively and lead to stress. Without them, your energy levels can surely go up again!
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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Very interesting! Makes me think of a couple of things - one is how activating it is to the nervous system when we have to lie (as measured by the increased arousal on lie detector tests). The other is how many secrets we have to keep as therapists due to our confidentiality agreements. Perhaps being a therapist and holding all these secrets is not so great for our health!! 😆