Issue #38: Forgiveness
Learn what it means to forgive, how to do it and why doing so has many benefits
Dear mental health advocate,
Has your summer holiday started yet? I am wrapping up some things so forgive me if the editions during summer are sometimes one or two days later than usual. But without further ado, here’s another free issue of The Present Psychologist Paper. In this edition I am looking at forgiveness. For many people a very complicated thing to do, but it has so many benefits. So maybe, if you are open to it, you should start exploring the process of forgiving. Want to know how? Keep on reading!
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Forgiveness
I like harmony. Especially when there is no conflict and people just connect well. The problem is, that humans sometimes clash. It’s part of human nature. They fight, they disagree, they hurt each other. I sometimes struggle with this, because even though conflicts are perfectly normal, I still dislike them. I get uncomfortable. When someone hurts me, does or says something I do not like, it can be difficult for me to manage. I often have the conversation with myself: ‘How do I approach this? Do I let it slide? Do I forget it and pretend it did not happen? Do I hold a grudge? Or do I forgive that person?’ Sure, there is a lot of context needed. Some mistakes or hurtful things are small and completely fine to let slide. Others, not so much.
In such situations, I find myself thinking about my feelings and what I should do. When I was younger, I often could not separate the situation from the person. It felt like there was no other option than considering the friendship or relationship as (partially) broken. As I grew older, I started to understand better that nobody is perfect. I’m not. I’ve said or done things that hurt people. Everyone does that. The big question is, what do you do with it? Are you willing to move forward? I strongly believe now that although I find conflict difficult, there is also beauty in it. Because in the end, people can grow closer and stronger together as a result.
But one essential ingredient is needed to do this: forgiveness. This is a very complicated process for many us. So before I dive deeper into this topic, I want you to ask yourself: ‘Am I a forgiving person?’. Are you actually willing to forgive? And have you done so in the past? I know from experience that most people find it hard to forgive when really awful things have happened. In the end, if you are willing to forgive, it is completely up to you to do so. You definitely should not be forced to. But, I can tell you that psychologists have some news: forgiveness can be healthy. Even in extreme cases.
What Is Forgiveness?
To understand what forgiveness means, it is important to know that can be a complex, emotional process. If you would ask psychologists to define forgiveness, it is likely they will come up with something which is close to the following description:
‘A conscious decision, made on purpose, to let go of all feelings of resentment and vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.’
It is also crucial to understand a few side notes here. If you forgive a person, that does NOT mean you think it is okay what they have done. It does NOT mean that you forget what happened. It does NOT mean you are trying to diminish the hurt or try and find excuses for what happened. It is a way for the person who forgives to free their mind and heart of negative feelings so they can move forward. Also, many people often think that forgiveness means the relationship with that person has to continue. That is not necessarily true. You could forgive, but still stop interacting with that person.
When it comes to actually going through the process of forgiving, understand that it requires effort. To be the bigger person and forgive them. Bitterness and holding grudges are bad for our mental health. Resentment leads to focusing on negative emotions, seeking revenge and dealing with stress, loneliness and anger. Okay, but how to do this? Well, it takes a few steps:
Focus on understanding how forgiveness benefits YOU, not just the other person. Think how it can and will improve your life.
Learn what exactly needs forgiving and who you want or need to forgive.
If possible, try talking with loved ones, join a support group or talk to a therapist.
Acknowledge all your emotions, reflect about the situation and try to process everything you are feeling.
Work on stepping out of the victim role and take back control. Yes, you have been hurt. But you cannot turn back time. You can decide to rise above.
Make the conscious decision to forgive, so it becomes easier to actually practice forgiveness.
If it is really hard for you to forgive, remind yourself that it is a process and small steps are okay too. It does not need to happen overnight.
Why Is Forgiveness Important?
The problem with not forgiving a person for a hurtful situation is that the resentment and anger can fester and grow. It can lead to a person living in the past, being unable to move forward. As a result, you then become stuck and it will be hard to enjoy life in the present. What’s more, it can also stand in the way of being able to connect with other people. Sometimes you lose faith in others or it can hold you back to form meaningful relationships with new people, or become alienated from loved ones. Anxiety and irritability can increase, as well as feelings of depression.
But, if you do work on forgiveness, then there are numerous benefits both physically and psychologically. Researchers have found that if you forgive, then there is a greater chance of becoming less stressed and more mentally healthy. It ultimately leads to feeling more positive overall, and it also helps with experiencing more positive emotions. Forgiveness can cause lower blood pressure, less anxiety and overall less depression. It improves your relationships with others and makes you feel healthier. Ultimately, it is your own choice. But for your own health, why not try?
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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Great post. I often find if people are struggling to forgive, there can be other emotions that need to be felt and acknowledged first - usually anger, grief etc. Once those other emotions have been fully expressed and tended to, the instinct to forgive often arises spontaneously. I work a lot with EMDR and it's remarkable how often clients will cycle through their rage, shame, hurt etc. and then spontaneously arrive at forgiveness and compassion for the other person (and themselves) at the end of the process