Issue #33: Red Flags in Relationships
Learn about toxic and negative patterns in couples and what to potentially do about them
Dear mental health advocate,
Another free edition of The Present Psychologist Paper right in your inbox! In this issue I will discuss red flags. Not just any, no, specifically red flags in relationships. It might be considered just a ‘popular’ term, but actually can be helpful, as you should interpret it as harmful and toxic behavior that has negative effects on you. Want to know which of these flags can occur in relationships? Or how to deal with them? Keep on reading!
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Red Flags in Relationships
Romance and being in love can be amazing. Living on cloud nine, sharing your life with someone you adore feels incomparable to anything else. Countless songs, movies, books and stories have been created solely to depict how all-consuming and magical love can be. For many of us it is one of the most important goals in life: finding that special person (or multiple, no judgment here). When you find a relationship, this can sometimes feel like achieving a goal. Only happiness from that point onwards right? Well… not really. The hard work actually starts there. Navigating a commitment like that is both beautiful and challenging. You have to share, give and take, set boundaries, communicate, trust, be vulnerable and so much more.
For many this works out pretty well and they are happy. For others, relationships can be anxiety-inducing due to unsustainable patterns, mismatches, betrayal or other issues. Not every couple or partner is able to keep a healthy balance. Occasionally, this could be due to traumas, mental struggles or lack of self-love. Many times this is not even conscious behavior intended to hurt someone, just simply a result after an unsafe childhood, troubles with earlier relationships or self-sabotage. The painful truth is that sometimes, people first need to work on themselves before a relationship can be saved. While couples therapy is always an option and definitely preferred, it can be necessary to do some individual work too.
This article today is by no means meant as a way to bash struggling relationships and telling people to separate when there are issues. No romantic bond between two people is perfect. Everyone has problems and that is pretty normal. But, it is good to know and realize when your relationship is bringing you more pain and suffering than it should. This can help bring about change, or motivation to work on improving the relationship. Because, there are some general red flags identified by psychologists that can indicate there is trouble in a relationship and unsustainable behavior which could hurt either one or both partners. Find below some of these red flags:
Red flag 1: You are afraid of your partner, scared for their opinion and actions.
Red flag 2: You are not able to talk freely about any issues together.
Red flag 3: You and your partner’s boundaries are pushed constantly.
Red flag 4: Everything revolves around your partner’s feelings, never yours.
Red flag 5: There is constant criticism and dismissal by a partner.
Red flag 6: There are constant excuses made for actions.
Red flag 7: You are being guilt tripped for your actions.
Red flag 8: There is regular deceit and lies occurring.
Red flag 9: You or your partner hold double standards.
What to do when these red flags occur?
As I keep saying, relationships are not perfect. Neither are people. Many are very complex due to a variety of issues and trauma. Don’t believe all the TikTok videos where a red flag is shown and you immediately need to run away. Sometimes it is a relationship worth fighting for, sometimes it is not. A flag is a signal trying to convey a message. The way we interpret them and how we respond is our own hands. Think thoroughly what to do and never make a hasty decision. If one or multiple of these red flags occur, you could also think of the following:
Make a list and identify the problems. What is actually happening will become more clear if you take some pen and paper and write it all down. Awareness is a good step to start with in this process.
Be kind to yourself. It is not easy dealing with relationship struggles. Don’t be too hard on yourself and try to practice self-care. Do what feels good and ensure you recharge, especially if you feel like there is a big decision to make.
Voice your concerns. Don’t accuse your partner flat out, because that will set a tone. Instead, discuss how their behavior is making you feel. Be open-minded and say you want to work thing out. It is vital to be assertive, but not too aggressive or passive.
Decide what your boundaries are. These look different for everyone. Where do you draw the line when your partner says or does certain things? That is up to you. But do not just keep these internal, communicate them as well.
Try therapy. Couples therapy can do wonders. Talking with an outside and objective mental health professional can help with breaking specific harmful patterns in a relationship.
Be pragmatic. People make mistakes, so do you. Try to be reasonable and forgive if that is what you really want. But realism is needed at times too. If there is no change, you have tried everything and the hard work does not pay off - leaving is an option too.
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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