Issue #30: The Toxic Positivity Curse
Learn why 'good vibes only' can be potentially harmful and how positivity can be toxic at times
Dear mental health advocate,
I hope your week is off to a good start. If you need some distraction or something to read, here’s another free edition of The Present Psychologist Paper. In this issue I will talk about toxic positivity. You might have seen quotes flying around saying ‘good vibes only’ or ‘happiness is a choice’. While the intent behind this is often good, it can actually be harmful. Especially for people who are struggling with their mental health. Why? Keep on reading to find out!
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The Curse of Toxic Positivity
Creating a social media account to raise awareness on mental health topics has taught me a lot of things. That there are great advocates, knowledgeable therapists, smart psychologists and inspiring people out there sharing amazing work and helping our cause. But, it taught me as well that there is a huge amount of harmful content online that actually sets mental health advocacy back to some degree.
One of these types of content I am talking about concerns so-called ‘toxic positivity’. What does that mean exactly? Basically, toxic positivity is some sort of mantra to always adjust your mindset or spin experiences into something positive. It tries to keep out everything that could be viewed as a negative attitude, negative emotions or to summarize: negative energy. A definition by Verywell Mind helps to understand it better:
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. And while there are benefits to being an optimist and engaging in positive thinking, toxic positivity instead rejects difficult emotions in favor of a cheerful, often falsely positive, facade.
A frequently used example of toxic positivity is the statement ‘good vibes only’. At the time of writing this article I checked Instagram and the hashtag #goodvibesonly has been used 15.4 million times! For some these statements might seem harmless and I understand the reasoning for that. Being positive is good right? Definitely. But only to a certain extent. It makes it easier to explain better why toxic positivity can be so damaging if I first share some positive statements that can turn out to be toxic.
Examples of toxic positivity
At first glance it might be difficult to spot if a sentence or statement is just positive or more toxic positivity. What makes it even more challenging is that a few of them are considered harmful by some, but not by others. I guess it is safe to say that empathy and emotional intelligence play an important part in how you interpret them. Below a list of examples:
‘Happiness is a choice’
‘Just stay positive.’
‘It happens for a reason.’
‘You will get over it.’
‘Think of happy things!’
‘Good vibes only…’
‘It could be worse.’
‘Don’t be so negative!’
‘Crying won’t solve anything.’
As an exercise you can go through each statement and think to yourself: why could saying this potentially be hurtful? Or you could ask yourself: how would I feel if these statements were said to me? I mentioned before that not everyone will feel the same about these and that is perfectly fine. Also, if you meant well by saying these, the intention matters too. It’s not a black-or-white situation. What I hope to achieve with this article though, is to share why these words could be hurtful or damaging.
Why can these statements be damaging?
The biggest issue with toxic positivity is that it tries (sometimes even unintentionally) to erase all the negative emotions and experiences we have and feel. Having a positive view towards life is commendable and very important, because optimism has been proven to increase quality of life and overall happiness. But, trying to spin everything into a positive thing is problematic as it invalidates people and what they go through.
Life is complex. It is not linear and only upwards, instead there are highs and lows. These ups and downs are what makes us human. In pain and adversity there can be growth. Going through negative emotions can also make you learn more about yourself better and it is a necessity to heal. Throwing around these statements stands in the way of someone’s authenticity that they should be allowed to have. It shames them into believing that their emotions are not allowed.
With all of that said, let’s unpack these statements why these specifically are better left unsaid:
‘Happiness is a choice’: this implies that if you do not feel good, it is your own fault because you can choose not to feel bad.
‘Just stay positive’: this statement tries to indicate that a negative mood is not a valid option. Being optimistic is good, but it is also okay if you are not.
‘It happens for a reason’: if this is said, then it sounds like a negative experience or event was meant to be and so it is not so bad after all?
‘You will get over it’: even though time can heal wounds, sometimes it does not and it tries to diminish the current experience. Pain is real.
‘Think of happy things!’: this suggests that negative feelings can disappear by being positive. While it can help, avoiding feelings stands in the way of healing.
‘Good vibes only…’: this basically says that if you don’t feel well or struggle you are not welcome, so you are not allowed to bring your authentic self?
‘It could be worse’: though trying to ‘lighten’ your pain, comparing should not be done as it invalidates the experience someone has.
‘Don’t be so negative!’: similar to the good vibes one, this statement expresses the need to fake your emotions and push negative feelings away.
‘Crying won’t solve anything’: this last one insinuates that there are supposedly better ways to deal with issues than crying (while it is actually a valid response!)
What should I say then?
Empathy and saying the right thing can be very challenging, especially when someone goes through something terrible. Know that one of the most crucial things in a situation like that focuses on ensuring you hear someone out and say you are there for them. Don’t tell them how to feel, provide a listening ear instead. Really don’t know what to do? Maybe use some of these:
‘You are not alone, I’m here’
‘Please know that I care about you’
‘If you want to talk about your struggles, you can.’
‘I’m listening. You matter to me’
‘I’m so sorry this happened to you. Is there any way I can help?’
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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I don't consider the statment: "Crying won't solve anything" as a valid response. Crying helps to "digest" and heal our emotions from within and by bringing that out we can see things sometimes clearer. If we feel like crying, is the soul wisdom that speaks, also when we feel we are crying for no reason. Just because we don't see a palpable result from crying doesn't mean it's not solving anything in a spiritual level so to say.