Issue #19: What Mental Abuse Looks Like
Learn about emotional manipulation, different types of mental abuse and how to overcome
Dear mental health advocate,
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And now, back to the content. In this edition I will discuss mental abuse. While there are many types of abuse, mental manipulation is not always clear to everyone what it exactly looks like. I will share twelve varying types of psychological harm and give examples to help you understand them.
What Mental Abuse Looks Like
When someone discusses abuse, a lot of people think about physical and/or sexual abuse. However, while it might be more hidden, mental abuse exists too. It’s a big problem. Physical abuse for example is very visible and hard to hide. Looking at mental abuse, it can present itself as passive-aggressive communication or negative body language. In many cases it is a bit more sneaky and the person on the receiving end might not always be aware emotional manipulation and abuse is occurring. Often because it happens slowly and some might just brush it off as ‘personality’ or ‘a bad day’. Mental abuse exists in many forms. In today’s article I will give you examples of techniques and emotional manipulation tactics people could use against you.
Mental abuse it not something to take lightly. It occurs in many relationships, in families, friendships, among colleagues and the list can go on and on. No one is perfect and everyone can sometimes be guilty of mental abuse, in some cases it even happens unconsciously. Becoming aware of all these types of mental abuse can help with understanding how some actions and varying ways of communicating can hurt someone else. To make the unconscious more easily conscious, but also to know when another person is crossing your boundaries and not sending you the energy you deserve.
Which types of mental abuse exist?
Mental abuse can take place in various ways, which I will explain here a bit more in detail with examples to help you understand. But, before we move on I would like to zoom in a bit more on what mental abuse actually is or how it can be defined. According to the Mayo Clinic, mental abuse (sometimes called emotional or psychological abuse) means the following:
“Use of coercion, threats, insults, and other measures which control the victim and result in loss of self-esteem and in the victim believing she/he deserves the abuse.”
For me, the essential part here is the idea the victim can get that they deserve the abuse. The emotional manipulation can be so subtle that they might start to question themselves and slowly eat away their confidence. There is a reason why many people who are mentally abused stay in abusive relationships. They start to believe that it’s them, not the one abusing. In other cases, the abuse is quite clear, but people are scared to leave. To clarify how this emotional abuse takes place, let me discuss twelve different types:
Number 1: Name-calling. This one is a more straightforward example of mental abuse. Name-calling means that someone uses derogatory terms to inflict pain on another person. Sometimes, they will claim it is just for fun or a little joke. It is important to know that your feeling is valid, not their interpretation if it should be taken lightly or not.
Example: ‘You are such a cry baby, no need to get all worked up about this…’
Number 2: Gaslighting. This type of emotional manipulation is a bit more complicated in the sense that it is not always clear someone is being psychologically abusive. Gaslighting occurs when the abuser tries to make someone question their reality and make them doubt themselves. This can be subtle because it can theoretically be true (which makes it harder to identify as abuse).
Example: “Well John, that’s not what happened. In truth, I never said that. You must have been dreaming.”
Number 3: Making threats. Another more obvious example. When someone makes threats to do harm or punish another human being for whatever reason, it can be classified as mental abuse. Sometimes making threats is being done not to do physical damage, but more to try and control someone. They may or may not act upon it, but the fear itself is already enough.
Example: ‘If you don’t stop talking to him, I will move out and you will never see me again.’
Number 4: Withholding. This type can also be a bit more subtle or in some cases being ascribed to someone’s personality: withholding affection or not showing any emotions or feelings. While this could be partially due to someone’s personality or traumatic experiences, the kind of withholding I am talking about is deliberate. Think of not touching your partner or not talking about what is going on inside your head.
Example: ‘I’m not gonna tell you what I’m feeling. I’m out. We are sleeping apart tonight’.
Number 5: Dismissiveness. In some cases psychological abuse can look like someone not caring about who you are or whatever needs you have. This does not have to be the case all the time, recurring dismissal can already be seen as mental abuse. Think about shrugging off things the person might find important, basically not taking their needs seriously or anything else the person cares about.
Example: ‘Why do you want to have date night? It doesn’t really matter, just move on.’
Number 6: Constant criticism. Sometimes an individual can be critical of the things you do, not just once, but persistently. Second-guessing your every move, or judging you for who you are. These negative opinions can influence your self-esteem as they could impact how you feel (especially if it keeps on happening, you start to doubt yourself - maybe it is all true?).
Example: ‘Jean, you never do anything right. Always complaining and messing up.’
Number 7: Humiliation. This type of mental abuse is a clear and awful one. It occurs when one person tries to shame or embarrass someone else just for fun or to make themselves feel good. Or, it can happen in the form of reducing someone’s self-worth. Often people do this when others are around too, so the shame is more intensely felt.
Example: ‘You look ridiculous and not sexy at all in that dress.’
Number 8: Blaming. A real example of psychological manipulation is the blaming game. This occurs mostly when someone accuses the other of something they supposedly did (with a negative outcome) while it likely is untrue. In some cases this blaming is done to divert attention from the abuser themselves, trying to project their guilt and feelings onto another person.
Example: ‘Max, you should stop playing. We both know you are responsible for all this mess and the cheating.
Number 9: Silent treatment. The issue with this type of abuse is more that it is not always clear why they do it and if it is to intentionally harm someone. When one person ignores the other person on purpose and/or pretends they do not exist it can be considered the silent treatment. The abuser does this to gain control and punish, or even to elicit such frustration that the abused person feels powerless.
Example ‘I won’t talk to you anymore…’ (or complete silence suddenly)
Number 10: Belittling. While this type has some similarities with humiliation, it should be seen more as a mix between that and dismissal. This type of abuse is a verbal one which tries to lower someone’s self-esteem by belittling their achievements or personality. It has the goal to make the other person feel worthless or not important, especially in situations when the abused individual feel proud about a certain success.
Example: ‘Oh you got a promotion at work Sally? Well, it must mean nothing if they give it to you.’
Number 11: Isolation. Sometimes mental abuse is mainly about gaining and maintaining control over a particular person (often someone close to them). This control can be done in the form of preventing them to see their friends, family and other loved ones. Mostly with the goal to ensure they are not being influenced by others who are not the abuser. Obviously, as a partner wanting to spend time with your lover makes sense, but you cannot claim 100% of their time.
Example: ‘You cannot see your friend. I want you here with me.’
Number 12: Trivializing. The last type of emotional manipulation or abuse that I want to explain is trivializing. This means that a person constantly says the other one is being overly dramatic or overreacting when they share their feelings. It is a form of shaming emotions, while these are valid for that person. Imagine being sad and someone telling you that you should not feel that way.
Example: ‘You are being dramatic, just stop crying.’
What to do about these types of mental abuse?
If you suspect you are a victim of mental abuse, think well and thoroughly about your next steps. Simply confronting the abuser will not always be the best strategy. It can be complicated if the psychological manipulation happens in a romantic relationship or with a close family member involved. Sometimes, it is difficult to leave that person or simply walk away, as others can be impacted too (like children) or you live together. The following could be things to consider:
Become aware of the abuse. We all make mistakes and hurt the ones we love. But if it happens consistently, try to become aware how and when someone inflicts pain on you. If they use words or actions that make you feel bad, remember and write down why. What did they say or do? If this repeatedly happens, there might be a pattern. However, remember to not just judge a person right away if they say or do one bad thing. It is the intention and the frequency that matter.
Recognize what a healthy relationship is. Think what is important to you in a relationship and what you ideally would expect from a lover, a friend, a family member or any other connection. It is vital to know what your boundaries are and how you would like to interact with another person. This can be different for people, because personalities, experiences and rituals are not the same for everyone.
Know that abuse is a cycle. For many, abuse is a pattern. Abusers work in a certain rhythm, sometimes unable to get out of it. When abuse occurs, there is the pain inflicted, the damage after, the repairing and then the abuse continues. This makes it hard to get out of it. Recognizing the cycle can help with finding the courage to break through it.
Get the help you need. As with abuse the stakes are often high, stepping out of a relationship or clearly communicating your boundaries can be a challenge. At first, try to stand up for yourself, but if it is too dangerous, reach out to loved ones to help you. Next to this, always consider getting guidance from a mental health professional. Getting an objective outside perspective helps with the healing process.
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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Issue #19: What Mental Abuse Looks Like
Alf, I love your newsletters, but I think you are pushing it a bit here in this one by calling all those 12 types signs of "mental abuse." I am afraid what you are doing is equipping a spouse, partner, or child to come back at the other with aggressive accusations of "you are mentally abusing me," whenever the other acts dismissive or challenges the other based on his or her different interpretation of reality. True mental abuse is not, to my view, quite so casual as you describe it. Blaming is a sign of mental abuse? Goodness, if that is true, we are all abusers and always being abused because blame is a deep trait of human nature. Hard to escape. We try hard to free of ourselves of it, but when we slip into it we are not abusers. We are blamers. I benefit more from depth than breadth in your wonderful posts and wonder if others might not feel the same. Best, Eli