Issue #14: What Is Good Parenting?
Learn all about parenting styles and how they impact children.
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And now, back to the content. In this edition I will look at parenting styles. There are many difficult jobs in the world, but the hardest one? Being a parent! At least, that is my opinion (and I am not even a parent myself). An upbringing has profound impact how we turn out as adults, so I thought it would be good to zoom in a bit on four different parenting styles.
What Is Good Parenting?
This is actually a million dollar question. So many books have been written, so many different tips, styles, opinions, choices and perspectives exist. I do not even have children myself, which is the main reason why I do not want to judge others OR pretend I have all the answers. See this article more as a reflection on what psychology as a science has researched and what some general findings are. Let me also explicitly mention that being a parent is a very difficult job. Humans are complex, which means it is only natural that raising one is a big challenge too. Children come into this world quite helpless and need a lot of protection, guidance and input to make sense of the world around them.
I always say that parents (or caregivers!) are the first ones to provide their kids with a frame how to perceive the world. When children grow older they are better able to think for themselves and reflect on their environment. This means that what parents do (especially during the first years) and what their parenting style is has a lot of impact on the child, as they help navigate their first steps. Sure, there is a genetic component that influences how they look, what kind of personality they have and how they behave. But upbringing and environment factors are just as important. A child can be born with talent or might be smart, but if this is not nurtured then it will not come to fruition easily.
Which parenting styles exist?
How parents decide to raise their child depends on a multitude of factors. For example, the culture parents live in. Some cultures find it very important for children to be quiet, obedient and very respectful to their elders. In other ones, children are more encouraged to be individualistic and independent, while being able to speak out an advocate for themselves. A few other things play a role, like the parent’s personality, or a parent trying to either repeat their own upbringing or do the exact opposite. I myself grew up in the Netherlands, in an environment where I was expected to be reasonably independent but still respect elders and listen well. I could explore enough and was not necessarily bound to many strict rules.
Developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind researched parenting styles in the 1960s and discussed four particular categories: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and neglectful (sometimes called ‘uninvolved’). Before I dive deeper into what each style is like, you should know that these are not black-and-white boxes. It is perfectly possible to switch between styles dependent on the day, situation or how a parent feels. The reason why I want to share these distinct categories is because it can help you understand how you grew up, or help with reflecting how you approach your own style as a parent yourself. While most parents try to do the best they can, it is always good to reflect on it.
What does each parenting style look like?
As I mentioned before, there are four styles that can be distinguished based on Baumrind’s research. Some other psychologists have further refined the concept and added more styles, but as these are heavily debated I’d like to focus on just these four. The differences between them try to explain how the parent perceives themselves in relation to their child. Are they more a guide to them? Or are they more a strict leader? Also, how parents deal with their child’s behavior can vary. Here’s how to differentiate them:
The authoritarian style: This one is know for its strict rules and the parent dictates here how things should go. It’s either their way or no way. There is not a lot of flexibility and the child’s opinion is not important. Such parents believe punishment works best, as in their eyes children will think twice before they make the same mistake again. Some other authoritarian perspectives:
How the child feels is secondary, as discipline is in their best interest.
Negotiation about outcomes is not possible (at all).
Obedient children should be the norm.
The authoritative style: Authoritative parents see themselves more as a guide and their main goal is to develop a positive relationship with their child. They still provide boundaries, but they want to reduce conflict and try not to be too antagonizing. Rules still apply and will also be used, but these are often discussed together with their kid to help them understand why this is needed. Other perspectives:
Children do have a say and give input, but not the final decision.
Consequences exist, however, feelings do still count.
Compliments and rewards are used to reinforce positive behavior.
The permissive style: Such parents really will do anything to always put their child’s wants and needs first by trying to be their friend and their mascot. There is a lot of leniency and rules kind of exist, but are not really enforced when they are broken. Consequences are there, but also quite easily undone. Other permissive parent perspectives:
A child’s feelings are the most important thing.
There will be more growth when the parent won’t meddle with the child’s life.
Choices are not discouraged by parents, even if they are bad.
The neglectful style: There are also parents that hardly interfere with their children’s lives as they do not focus on them. It could be compared with permissive parenting, but then there is a big difference: neglectful parents do not really care what they do. Children are just left to fend for themselves. Other neglectful/uninvolved perspectives:
It does not really matter what the child does, just leave them be.
It is not needed to spend time with the child.
Children should raise themselves.
What are the consequences?
It does not always happen that parents rigidly only practice one of these styles. There often is a dominant one with a mix of the others, it could be a bit situation-based. Nevertheless, the impact can still be huge for each of these styles if they are used predominantly. Many psychologists believe that the authoritative is the best one to practice, as positivity is the recurring theme. There are boundaries and consequences, so the child learns how their actions impact situations and outcomes, but they are not overly punished when making mistakes. See it as a trial and error with a parent assisting the child with navigating their steps into the world. Research shows children growing up with this style are on average happier and more successful than others.
Authoritarian parenting can lead to children internalizing anger and fear, lashing out to other children through bullying OR by developing low self-esteem and struggle with their emotional intelligence. Children growing up with mostly permissive parents do not really follow rules, do not listen to authority as well as overstep their own boundaries. Research even showed higher rates of obesity, as in their household they many times are allowed to eat what they want. Aside from this, neglectful parenting results more times than not in depression, anxiety or behavior problems as the basic needs of those children are not met.
All in all it is necessary for everyone to remember that parenting is hard. It’s maybe even the hardest job. Every parent has their authoritarian, neglectful or permissive moments. Imagine coming home after a long and stressful day, while dealing with financial problems and your child is throwing a tantrum. Might be difficult to be a saint and do the right thing then. Parents are human and not perfect. I think focusing on doing what you think is in your child’s best interest is the crucial component here. Be aware of how you react, what your triggers are and how you generally approach parenting. Reflecting on these parenting styles can help with understanding yourself and your children better.
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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Issue #14: What Is Good Parenting?
I think focusing on not passing our traumas to our children or healing your traumas before you have children, having money for their needs, constantly educating yourself about psychology, mental health, money and simply always constantly improving yourself in every aspect of life is also an important aspect of parenting which more than 90% of parents miss or lack.
If you're a parent and you always improve yourself then your children will have a higher chance of being successful than 99% of the population.
-ImprovementCat