Attachment Style Pairings

How do adult attachment styles interact together in relationships?

Dear mental health advocate,

Popular psychology accounts online sometimes really spam people with attachment style content, specifically about the avoidant-anxious push-pull cycle bond. Attachment theory has been one of my main focus areas due to its relationship to trauma and it really interests me. But, I unfortunately see a lot of misinformation online which can be hurtful. ‘If he wanted to he would’ is an often heard sentence. But no, attachment basically explains ‘He wants to, but he is not capable of it. Or he is scared to and runs away’. In today’s premium article in The Present Psychologist Paper I want to explain which attachment styles exist and how these particular ones interact in relationships. Want to know more? Keep on reading!

Attachment Style Pairings

Let me preface this by mentioning that while attachment styles can assist greatly with understanding behavior and patterns in relationships, it is not a 100% match. One avoidantly attached person is not the same as another avoidantly attached person. There are an infinite number of factors that play a role too in someone’s relationship behaviors. Experiences, safety, support system, personality, work, you name it. But, there are definitely patterns and coping mechanisms that can be discerned. Being aware of them helps greatly with understanding how you cope with relationships and certain struggles.

Attachment is a big topic and it requires a lot of deep diving which I have already done in previous articles, specifically on attachment styles in children (when it is formed) and how this reflects and impacts adult attachment styles. I won’t fully rehash this all, so if you have time definitely read up on this! What I do want to focus on is how the attachment styles interact together. Why? Because researchers found that there seems to be a link between the attachment a child forms with their primary caregiver and the romantic bond that can develop when they are an adult in an intimate relationship. But a relationship takes two to tango and each of them has a separate attachment style which can interact differently.

Before we dive deeper into this, if you want to know which of these adult attachment styles would reflect you and your situation best, it is possible to take online tests. Many are not of good quality, but I found one recommended by R. Chris Fraley, professor at University of Illinois psychology department. Always take it with a grain of salt, but if you want an indication, go take the test below: