How Securely Attached Are You?

Learn all about adult attachment styles and how they impact your relationships

Dear mental health advocate,

If you are a psychologist or a psychology enthusiast, chances are you have heard about attachment styles. A lot of people swear by it, as it is basically a pattern of behaviors in relationships based on your initial bond with your main caregivers. In today’s premium edition, I will explain not the initial attachment styles, but what they are like once you have reached adulthood. Why? Because research shows that the attachment style you develop during childhood strongly indicates how you approach relationships when you are an adult. Below I will explain more what this looks like AND I have an online test you could do to test your adult attachment style (but do take this with a grain of salt, official diagnostics with a mental health professional is preferred, although I know not everyone has access to this).

Adult Attachment Styles

There is always a lot to say about the partners we choose as adults. In history, literature and movies so many statements are thrown around to explain our romantic decisions. We hear things like ‘opposites attract’ or ‘birds of a feather flock together’. We supposedly date mirror images of our opposite-sex parent, especially when they were neglectful, to receive the love we so desperately craved. Well, I won’t claim I have all the answers as it really depends per person. Many factors contribute to who we end up selecting as a partner. But what I do know is that the bond we form with our primary caregiver as a child can influence our romantic behavior as an adult.

In a previous post on attachment styles (click here to read), I explained the significant contribution famous psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby made to the field of child development. They conducted research and discussed the existence of different patterns children manifest in their interaction with their primary caregiver, as well as the behavior they show by themselves as a result of this bond. Mary Ainsworth discerned four different styles:

• Secure attachment style: these children are quite confident that their caregiver is available to them for support and comfort when needed.

• Anxious (ambivalent/resistant) insecure attachment style: these children are seen as too dependent, clingy even, but also resistant to their caregiver.

• Avoidant insecure attachment style: these children are seen as very independent and do not engage much with their caregiver.

• Disorganized insecure attachment style: these children do not seem to have a consistent attachment pattern and can react differently each time their caregiver is near them.

These attachment styles have been replicated in further studies and in the psychology field there is quite some consensus that these four can be categorized. It does not stop there. Other researchers found that there seems to be a link between the attachment a child forms with their primary caregiver and the romantic bond that can develop when they are an adult in an intimate relationship. This means as much that the pattern a child develops in their younger years can influence how they behave later in life as an adult.

How does this influence adult relationships?