Issue #7: Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem
Learn about insecurities, red flags in relationships and which therapies help deal with trauma
Dear mental health advocate,
I hope you are having a good week so far. In Amsterdam, where I live, the sun is finally starting to shine again. Spring is definitely my favorite season! To me it feels like good days are coming, especially after a few rocky first months in 2022. Hopefully, this Saturday is a day for you to reflect and spend some time to relax.
Today I am sharing with you edition number seven of The Present Psychologist Paper. Before we dive into the topics, I have a request for you. I see that many of you keep reading these newsletters, which makes me feel very grateful and willing to maintain the biweekly rhythm of sending them to you. However, I would love to get some feedback from you. Below this newsletter you can find some buttons and these are fully anonymous!
And now, let’s get back to the mental health content. In the first article, I will discuss insecurity and low self-esteem. Many of us struggle with it, more than you think. While it can seem as if people are confident on the outside, most of us actually have doubts about themselves and struggles with their confidence.
Then, I will zoom in on red flags in relationships. On social media it has been a big trend: sharing a red flag icon and giving an example what actually could be a huge warning signal. These flags are not the same for everyone, but there are quite some general toxic and unsustainable relationship behaviors that can damage a person in the long run.
Finally, I will give a list and explain therapies that are quite helpful in dealing with trauma. Each situation and person is different, and so are traumatic events. Getting the right type of therapy and mental health help is crucial to ensure your struggles won’t overwhelm you anymore. Keep on reading to find out more!
The Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem Curse
During my high school years I remember struggling with my confidence and feeling very alone. I guess a puberty brain combined with social pressure, trying to find your identity and raging hormones are quite a disastrous combination. Some of my fellow students seemed to have it all together, being popular and walking around school proud of themselves. There were definitely times I envied them. Funny enough, when I talked to some of them during a high school reunion, I was surprised to learn they felt the same way as I did back then! They mentioned they were pretending and feeling insecure too, trying to survive the teenage jungle. Eye-opening I must say.
Why? Well, after studying psychology and deep-diving a bit more into human interaction, the puzzle pieces started to fit a bit more. We are social beings and we need help from each other to thrive as a society. It is almost impossible to do everything alone. Sure, nowadays there are people living completely isolated. But most of us require input by the collective to go about our day. Think about hospitals, roads, schools, inventions, supermarkets. All of them are created through joint effort. I hear you think, what does this have to do with insecurity? I will explain. Because we are a social species, we need to trust each other so we can work together. And in order to do that, we need others to have a positive image of us or at least give us some approval.
We should not underestimate how much this affects our daily life. We want to be liked, loved and appreciated. Even though many people in the mental health community claim self-love is the ultimate answer, it is not. We need others, it is in our nature. We try to look nice so we attract people. We give, so we can take. We connect, so we can bond deeply. We work together, so we can create. In the end, what we do is we try to put an image in people’s heads that we are worthy to be around. We compare ourselves and see others who seem to have it better than us. We cannot read minds, so we have to guess how we are perceived. This makes us doubt ourselves and unsure if we are good enough.
But what does it mean to be insecure?
To understand insecurity and low self-esteem better, it is good to take a more precise look at how you would define them. In psychology definitions are quite crucial as each concept can be quite abstract. If you want to research or explain a topic, you need to describe it properly first. One of my favorite sources for this is the American Psychology Association, as many researchers and psychologists are linked to them. There, insecurity is described as:
a feeling of inadequacy, lack of self-confidence, and inability to cope, accompanied by general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others
Basically, it means that you do not feel good enough and possibly unsure about something. It can overwhelm as you might think you are substandard and worthless. All these factors lead to stress and panic, because how are you supposed to thrive and be successful if you feel like you cannot do something or do not amount to anything? Pretty challenging for sure. Insecurity can show its face everywhere in our lives. Think about the following situations where we might face difficulties:
Body insecurities. Sometimes we do not feel good in your skin and are unhappy about our looks. Example: ‘I am way too skinny’.
Emotional insecurities. It is possible that we feel vulnerable or worthless in general. Example: ‘I am just not worth it’.
Social insecurities. As human beings we often care about other people’s opinions and feel unloved. Example: ‘No one likes me’.
Financial insecurities. Having enough money in a world that’s pretty expensive, stress can exist. Example: ‘I cannot provide for my family’.
Relationship insecurities. Romance can be tricky when it comes to self-esteem. Example: ‘Will my partner love me for who I am?’
Work insecurities. The necessity to perform and do well in a career can result in anxiety. Example: ‘Will I be fired for my bad results?’
Comparison insecurities. Seeing other people do well in life or when they have more than we do it can feel disappointing. Example: ‘I am not as popular as her’.
Image insecurities. How we think we are perceived by other can lead to feeling inadequate. Example: ‘They must think I am stupid.’
What are typical signs of insecurity?
Suffering from low self-esteem and having insecurities can be something that only shows in someone’s head, while trying to maintain a confident attitude towards others. However, often it is visible in a person’s behavior. Although it can look different for everyone, there are some general signs and symptoms insecure people present:
Belief that self-worth is mostly dependent on achievements
Needing constant reassurance from people and romantic partners
Comparing themselves with others all the time
Agreeing with everyone as their own opinion feels worthless
Pleasing people so they will hopefully like them more
Maintaining eye contact can be a challenge
Second-guessing their every move and thought
Avoiding making decisions because they doubt themselves
Chasing perfection as failing seems like an unacceptable option
What causes insecurity and low self-esteem?
It can be hard to pinpoint the exact reason or cause why someone feels very insecure and struggles with low self-esteem. Frankly, it is generally a mix of many things. A combination of around four pillars are seen to have profound effect on developing several forms of insecurities. Personality traits, traumatic events, childhood attachment and influences from the environment can play a significant role.
Personality traits. There are certain characteristics associated with higher chances of dealing with insecurities. For example, high scores on the trait ‘neuroticism’ mean a person is more emotionally reactive to their environment. Sometimes this can lead to stronger feelings of anxiety, insecurity and stress.
Traumatic events. When a trauma occurs, it happens often that a person’s trust is broken. Think about an abusive relationship, an attack or assault. In these cases feelings of insecurity are caused as the belief of being protected in a safe world is shattered. The individual is then left to pick up the pieces.
Environment influences. Growing up in a family or home where there is a lot of pressure can be a big influence on developing insecurities. And not just at home. Sometimes our lovers, friends, colleagues or other outsiders can force us to be or act a specific way. Struggling to meet expectations impacts self-esteem.
Childhood attachment. When you come into the world as a baby needing constant help to survive, your relationship with your caregiver is essential. When they do not meet your needs, insecure attachment can be formed. This frequently leads to troubles with confidence later in life.
How to deal with insecurity and low self-esteem?
Learning to deal with insecurities is very essential to maintain your self-esteem and see yourself as a worthy individual. Of course, having some insecurities is perfectly normal and as said we all suffer from it. But in many cases it is so overwhelming and debilitating that it stands in someone’s way to live a happy life. I have seen it time and again that people are in so deep that they show self-destructive behavior and even sabotage themselves. Not always on purpose, but definitely acting against their own interest. Although it is not easy to overcome this, there are various ways to work on improving your confidence:
Understand. Become aware of your insecurities, reflect and notice when they triggered. Consider if these thoughts and perspectives are true and valid.
Set small goals. Define what is needed to deal with your insecurity, set goals but divide these in small, actionable chunks. It takes time.
Exposure. Try to become less vulnerable for triggers by exposing yourself bit by bit (be careful and do not overdo it!) and stepping out of your comfort zone.
Rethink. If possible, focus on the positive sides of the situation, where did you succeed? Reflect if you actually failed like you initially expected.
Reward. You can give yourself rewards for all the steps you are taking to overcome insecurity and each goal you reach. Be proud of your progress.
Red Flags in Relationships
Romance and being in love can be amazing. Living on cloud nine, sharing your life with someone you adore feels incomparable to anything else. Countless songs, movies, books and stories have been created solely to depict how all-consuming and magical love can be. For many of us it is one of the most important goals in life: finding that special person (or multiple, no judgment here). When you find a relationship, this can sometimes feel like achieving a goal. Only happiness from that point onwards right? Well… not really. The hard work actually starts there. Navigating a commitment like that is both beautiful and challenging. You have to share, give and take, set boundaries, communicate, trust, be vulnerable and so much more.
For many this works out pretty well and they are happy. For others, relationships can be anxiety-inducing due to unsustainable patterns, mismatches, betrayal or other issues. Not every couple or partner is able to keep a healthy balance. Occasionally, this could be due to traumas, mental struggles or lack of self-love. Many times this is not even conscious behavior intended to hurt someone, just simply a result after an unsafe childhood, troubles with earlier relationships or self-sabotage. The painful truth is that sometimes, people first need to work on themselves before a relationship can be saved. While couples therapy is always an option and definitely preferred, it can be necessary to do some individual work too.
This article today is by no means meant as a way to bash struggling relationships and telling people to separate when there are issues. No romantic bond between two people is perfect. Everyone has problems and that is pretty normal. But, it is good to know and realize when your relationship is bringing you more pain and suffering than it should. This can help bring about change, or motivation to work on improving the relationship. Because, there are some general red flags identified by psychologists that can indicate there is trouble in a relationship and unsustainable behavior which could hurt either one or both partners. Find below some of these red flags:
Red flag 1: You are afraid of your partner, scared for their opinion and actions.
Red flag 2: You are not able to talk freely about any issues together.
Red flag 3: You and your partner’s boundaries are pushed constantly.
Red flag 4: Everything revolves around your partner’s feelings, never yours.
Red flag 5: There is constant criticism and dismissal by a partner.
Red flag 6: There are constant excuses made for actions.
Red flag 7: You are being guilt tripped for your actions.
Red flag 8: There is regular deceit and lies occurring.
Red flag 9: You or your partner hold double standards.
Therapies to Deal With Trauma
The difficulty with psychological trauma is that there are so many different types and causes that can lead to experiencing something as traumatic. What makes it even more challenging is that people are not similar, in multiple aspects. Think about personality characteristics, previous experiences, mindset, support system, background and much more. Even when a disaster occurs like a plane crash or earthquake, not all people who experience it will develop a trauma. However, when you do develop a trauma and suffer from (complex) post-traumatic stress disorder, help from a mental health professional likely is very necessary.
As there are many differences and variations, I have below a list of four types of therapies specifically designed to help deal with psychological trauma. If you are interested in any of these, talk with your own therapist if any of these are possible. If not, try to get a referral or recommendation or go online to find the nearest option. To understand each type better, find a description below:
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR). This therapy was first designed by Francine Shapiro, an American psychologist. It does not require a lot of conversation but is more considered a practical form of therapy. The therapist will ask you to relive the trauma with imagining the situation, smells, sounds and other triggers. After, you will start processing the trauma again, but then while reimagining it the therapist will provide a distracting stimulus. Sometimes this happens with a headset and sounds alternating in left and right ear, or the hand of the therapist going back and forth in front of you. This therapy will help with making the memory less intense, as you are conditioned (desensitized) with a distracting stimulus.
Cognitive Processing Therapy. This therapy focuses very intensely on the thoughts surrounding the psychological trauma. At first, you will discuss at length with your therapist the trauma with as much detail as possible. This is needed to ensure the trauma is not avoided, which often leads to struggles and anxiety. The therapist will ask you to write down statements about why you think the trauma happened, how it affected you and what your beliefs are surrounding your self-image, other people and the world in general. The patient will need to pick apart their cognitive distortions (untrue thoughts or unhelpful perspectives). By examining thoughts and feelings and facing the trauma head on, healing can occur.
Prolonged Exposure Therapy. This therapy focuses mostly on trying to expose you to certain triggers related to the trauma (not the most extreme ones that are endangering you) both by imagining and reliving the trauma as well as visiting places, people and things. Retelling the trauma in detail means that you will become more accustomed and familiar with your thoughts, feelings and triggers ultimately making it more acceptable and healing. The goal of revisiting and exposing yourself to certain triggers (the least harmful ones) is that you will unpair it with the traumatic experience, hopefully lowering the anxiety and pressure felt when presented with a trigger.
Somatic Experiencing Therapy. This therapy sees your body and unblocking the trauma from your mind as the most important goal in the healing process. Somatic experiencing sees trauma as stress stuck in your body, requiring a release to ensure the body and mind can feel better. The therapist will help guide you to sense difficult and uncomfortable bodily sensations and assist with tension and release in small steps. Somatic experiencing is seen as a helpful way to deal with suppressed emotions and a strained body.
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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As a former mental health nurse, and someone who who has suffered from mental health issues myself, I found this newsletter very interesting and useful. Thank you for writing and circulating it.
Very interesting newsletters with useful content.