Issue #61: How People Communicate
Learn about various ways how humans send each other messages through communication styles
Dear mental health advocate,
With the holidays fast approaching, chances are you will be spending a lot of time with friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances. While there can be good times, people also often struggle with complicated relationships during these moments. Communication has a huge impact on dealing with them. Therefore, I’d like to focus today’s free edition of The Present Psychologist Paper on communication styles. Happy Holiday season!
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Communication Styles
If there is one thing that has a lot of impact on interpersonal relationships, it is communication. How we try to send and receive messages from others is a whole area of expertise numerous books have been written on. Think about your own life and relationships. How important is communication to you? And how do you interact with others? Chances are it is not always easy. There are so many factors involved, the message itself, the body language, the personality of the person receiving and the one sending the signals. Misunderstanding, conflict and painful feelings can all occur if there is something going wrong in this communication. That’s why relationship therapists always say: ensure to communicate well. If not, the consequences can be disastrous.
In today’s article I wanted to zoom in a little bit more on different communication styles, what they are like and how they can influence interactions between people. Generally, you can identify four basic styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive communication. Everyone is able to use all four, it depends mostly on your environment, your childhood and upbringing, how others act and what you are used to. There can be a prevalent style, but often people switch a bit based on the situation they find themselves in. Most researchers agree that an assertive communication style is the most constructive one. To understand them all, I will explain them below.
The Passive Communication Style
When it comes to passive communication, people that use this style will try to avoid expression as much as possible. They do not want to share what they are feeling or thinking and instead choose the path of least resistance. In this case decisions are often left to other people because people are afraid of conflict or tension. This also means they disregard their own needs. The issue with this communication style is that it can lead in many cases to misunderstandings or bottled up feelings. Sometimes when people are very apologetic without the need to be, it is seen as passivity. The same goes for a lack of self-defense. Looking down or not making eye-contact is considered as passive body language. In a dangerous situation, passive communication could be a safe option.
Example: ‘I don’t mind what we do. It’s up to you.’
The Aggressive Communication Style
The style where people communicate in an aggressive way is the complete opposite of the passive one. There, people try to avoid expression, but in the aggressive style people express very clearly and riddled with emotion what they want or what their opinion is. This can occur at the expense of other people’s needs and boundaries. If people confront the person who uses aggressive communication, they likely will become very defensive or even hostile. It is a communication style that frequently hurts other people and also results in alienation. Aggressive body language can look like intense gesturing, direct eye contact and/or invading personal space. While this style should be avoided in my opinion, it is known to get people what they want faster (but, do not try this at home!)
Example: ‘I don’t care what you think, I will go and book that holiday. I’m going, whether you like it or not.’
The Passive-Aggressive Communication Style
The third style that I want to explain is an interesting one, it combines the previous two (aggressive and passive) at the same time! How this shows is by acting very passive from the outside, so by not expressing a lot of emotion while simultaneously having aggressive motives. This means acting out indirectly and undermining the other person involved. Passive-aggressive communication has the goal to gain control over someone else by using indirect words, sarcasm, cynicism and fake cooperation. Or, another example is them avoiding a conversation altogether to ensure they get what they want. Body language can be ignoring someone, giving the silent treatment or rolling eyes. Sometimes, people go behind someone’s else back by sabotaging or spreading rumors.
Example: ‘Yes sure, of course I will cooperate!’ … *walks away and does not cooperate*
The Assertive Communication Style
The most constructive way of communicating would be the assertive style. It can best be explained as a way to clearly express your own needs by telling others your exact feelings and thoughts. This way, honesty prevails and makes it obvious to others what you would like to achieve. Assertiveness also means that honest communication happens while respecting other people’s needs and boundaries. ‘I’ statements are frequently used, but still kindness is shown. It is a direct way of communicating, so sometimes it is mislabeled as ‘aggressive’ by others. If you are in danger and someone uses aggressive communication, assertiveness can be a challenge regarding personal safety. Assertive body language could look like a straight posture, direct eye contact and being relaxed.
Example: ‘I would like to let you know that I am not going tomorrow as I would like some alone time. I hope you understand and really value our friendship.’
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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