Issue #60: Romantic Couples
Learn about five different types of relationships and how it influences their dynamic
Dear mental health advocate,
If you are in a romantic relationship, do you ever analyze your dynamic? I would never say that you need to examine your behavior as a couple all the time, but recognizing certain patterns can be very helpful. In today’s free edition of The Present Psychologist Paper I will discuss five types of couples and see what their impact on a relationship is. Want to find out more? Keep on reading…
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Five Types of Couples
Love and relationships are two topics that I always try to learn more about, because they fascinate me. There is one very interesting research organization that publishes a lot of studies on these subjects that I think you should know about. It is called the Gottman Institute. Founded by psychologists Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, they pioneer research about couples, marriages, divorces and anything else related to human relationships. It always fascinated me how people interact and how they approach love. In today’s article, I want to delve a bit deeper into what it means to be a couple and which different types there are.
Being part of a couple is an interesting concept. It means that you are in an intimate, romantic relationship with a specific set of rules. These rules are often specifically discussed with partners and in some cases influenced by societal expectations and the culture that you grew up in. How this ultimately looks can be different for everyone. There are varying ways how a relationship can work. There are monogamous couples, polyamorous ones, long distance, dating, you name it. The Gottmans researched all sorts of couples and examined how they interacted with each other in one relationship.
Which types of couples are there?
What fascinates me most is that the Gottmans found that a lot of these couples interacted according to specific patterns and cycles. There are always negative and positive dynamics at play with conflicts and resolution. But, how couples decide to balance these dynamics and how hard they work on resolving issues together ultimately puts a stamp on the health and sustainability of the relationship itself. Based on these interactions, the Gottmans were able to categorize couples in five distinct types.
Type 1: Conflict-avoiding couples.
This type of couple is characterized by their focus on sharing mutual interests. While this common ground is important to them, they do not try to persuade the other to also enjoy their own separate interests. This means that they seek harmony in what they share, but are independent when it comes to their own hobbies and interests. A few other typical signs in conflict-avoiding couples:
They try to avoid expressing their own needs and minimize conflict
They balance interdependence and independence
Boundaries are clear and different interests are okay
Positivity far exceeds the negative (5-to-1 ratio)
Type 2: Volatile couples.
This relationship form is very much defined by expressing emotions and being passionate. There is a constant battle to persuade the other to join in one partner’s hobbies and interests. They would like nothing more than to share with others what they are so enthusiastic about themselves. There can be a lot of debating and arguing as a result, but in a positive way. Other signs:
While they argue, it is not insulting or disrespectful
The passion is shown through shared laughter and humor
There are not clear boundaries, but it does not matter much to them
Positivity far exceeds the negative (5-to-1 ratio)
Type 3: Validating couples
The key word for these relationships is ‘calmness’. There is not a lot of intense expression involved, instead there is more ease and relaxation. Neutrality is important to both and thus the couple can be considered as being between the volatile and conflict-avoidant one. Supporting the other partner is crucial for all, so they will put a lot of emphasis on this. Other signs:
There is a lot of empathy for their partner’s feelings
Sometimes differences are discussed, but only a few subject matters
Compromising is important to both
Positivity far exceeds the negative (5-to-1 ratio)
Type 4: Hostile couples
Whereas the aforementioned three are mostly positive, this type is based more on negative dynamics. Hostile couples share a lot with validating couples, but the main difference is that there is a lot of defensiveness on both ends. This means that there is quite some contempt and criticism involved, always being frustrated with the other person’s actions. Some other typical signs are:
There is a lot of conflict with both focusing more on their own perspective
There is not a lot of understanding of the other person’s view
Sometimes there is conflict avoidance as well
Type 5: Hostile-detached couples
The last category of relationships that Gottman defined discusses a type of couple where both seem to be an army fighting the other. There is no winner, just constant frustration and conflict. They don’t seem to know any better than this situation. Each argument is filled with snapping at each other, but at the same time both resign all the time because they are tired. Other signs:
There is a lot of emotional detachment or lack of connection
Conflict often escalates into bigger arguments, then someone withdraws
Negativity is hardly regulated between both partners
Letting the other win is something they do not want
Finally, when researching these couples Gottman found out that the first three mostly stay happily married (so, the conflict-avoiding, the volatile and the validating ones). On the other hand, the hostile couples stay unhappily married but do tend to stay together. Lastly, the hostile-detached couples in most cases do not remain romantically involved and instead file for divorce.
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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