Issue #6: What Is Your Attachment Style?
Learn about attachment theory, what a fixed and growth mindset means and how to meditate properly
Dear mental health advocate,
Another Saturday, so a new day for some fresh psychology content! Today you hopefully will gain some more insights into a few interesting mental health topics in already the sixth issue of The Present Psychologist Paper. Let me know what you think in the comments below, I am curious to learn if you are enjoying these newsletters.
This new edition will look at attachment styles and theory. Such an impactful concept that not only tries to explain the bond you have had with your primary caregiver, but also how you approach love and relationships with others. Insecure attachment to your caregivers can affect a person well into adulthood. How these attachments are formed and which specific attachment styles exist I shall explain in detail.
Next, I will focus on how people can perceive the complexity of life: with a certain mindset. Stanford professor Carol Dweck researched how people dealt with problems and found two distinct categories: people with either a fixed or a growth mindset. When reading her book I was so surprised by how relatable these perspectives are to me and likely, to more of you.
At the end we will dive a bit deeper into some tips on meditation. To be honest, grounding myself and learning to be present in the moment has always been a huge challenge for me. Getting help from others how to meditate has improved my skills greatly, so I hope they are of benefit to you as well! Keep on reading to find out moreā¦
What Is Your Attachment Style?
Relationships influence us. Whether we choose them actively, like friends and romantic partners, or whether these are given to us outside of our control, like family members and our parents. These bonds are essential to our development both as children and as adults. Especially when we are born, we rely solely on our caregivers because we cannot survive without their help. The perspective they have and how they interact with us as children put a stamp on our lives forever. A parent or guardian is the first reference a child has when growing up. They mirror their caregiverās behavior completely, because it takes a long while to be able to think independently and understand the world around them.
The both difficult (when it goes wrong) and beautiful (when it goes right) fact is that this impact on a child lasts a lifetime. When a parent or guardian creates a safe environment the child will often feel more secure and enjoy more stability throughout their life. However, when a childās surroundings are more unsafe, problems like insecurity and instability can be the result. An unreliable environment could mean many different things, for example when a child does not get their needs met, when there is abuse or neglect. As this has so many consequences for children, psychologists have researched these situations intensively. They name the bond created āattachmentā. But what is this exactly?
The attachment theory: what does it mean?
As a psychology student, one important subject we study focuses on children and their development. Genetics play a part in who we are, but our environment also influences us a lot. The relationships with our parents and guardians are exceptionally impactful. This led to psychologists theorizing that as infants, we form crucial bonds with our caregivers, affecting who we are well into adulthood. Two researchers have had profound effect in this area, examining attachments between specifically mothers and their children: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. If you are a psychology student, you likely have heard of them! Both of them conducted various experiments with very interesting results. But, before diving into this, let me explain what attachment is.
John Bowlby was a famous psychologist (1907-1990) initially trained in psychoanalysis, just like Sigmund Freud. Like Bowlby described it, attachment is a ālasting psychological connectedness between human beingsā. He strongly believed that how people attach to their caregivers in early childhood greatly impacts how they develop and grow as a human being. He is seen as the founder of the attachment theory. Attachment can be defined more in detail as āthe primal instinct a child has to stay close to the main caregiver when there is danger aroundā. In this case the caregiver is needed to survive, as the infant is quite helpless at a very young age. So, the child bonds to the caregiver and in return is taken care of.
The bond with the caregiver gives the child the opportunity to explore the environment and react to challenges accordingly. How the caregiver responds to the threat the child is exposed to can be seen as a mirror for how the infant perceives themselves. This might sound complicated, but it simply means this: letās say there is a strange person approaching and the child is crying. If the mother/father figure comes and soothes them, they know they are worth saving. This makes them feel safe and protected. But if they are left on their own, they might feel anxious, unworthy and unloved. Based on the caregiverās response, attachment patterns develop. These can be secure when the child feels safe, or insecure when they donāt. How can this be measured? Well, Mary Ainsworth executed some fascinating experimentsā¦
The āstrange situationā study by Mary Ainsworth
Further building on Bowlbyās attachment work, his colleague Mary Ainsworth decided to conduct an experiment to research how attachment might vary between infants. The reason for this is that she saw differences in their sociability, how much they wanted to cuddle, how much they cried and how they interacted with their caregivers. Mary wanted to find out if there are actually separate, identifiable attachment styles. So, to research this, she created the āstrange situationā study. In this experiment the participants were mothers and their infants aged 9 to 18 months. They were invited to spend time in a room with toys in which they could be observed. Each mother and infant were subjected to the following situation:
The mother and child enter a room and spend a few minutes alone. The child can play with the toys or explore.
A stranger enters the room and spends a few minutes with mother and child.
The mother then leaves the room, so the child and the stranger are alone for a few minutes.
The stranger leaves the room and the child is alone for a few minutes.
The mother returns and can comfort the child or just spend time with them.
Mary Ainsworth then observed two types of behavior: how the child interacted with their mother and how the child behaved on their own. These interacting behaviors were categorized in four pillars: if the child stayed closed to their mother, how much contact the child made, if they avoided closeness or contact and finally if the child resisted comforting. As well, Ainsworth watched how and if the child explored the room, how and if they searched for their mother and also which emotions the child displayed like crying, smiling or anger. Based on the results, Ainsworth discerned three attachment patterns/styles. These were secure attachment, anxious (ambivalent/resistant) attachment and avoidant attachment. In later research, Main and Salomon (1986) added a fourth one, disorganized attachment.
What do these attachment styles mean?
It is important to make a distinction between the secure attachment style and the other insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant and disorganized). Exact numbers are difficult to give due to differences in characteristics, social economic background and heritage. Ainsworth estimated that around 70% is secure, 15% anxious and 15% avoidant. Disorganized attachment which was added later changes the estimates of all three insecure styles to on average around 10%. To understand each attachment style better, these are the behaviors observed:
Secure attachment style: these children are quite confident that their caregiver is available to them for support and comfort when needed. In the experiment, this is what they showed:
They are distressed when their mother leaves the room.
When the stranger enters the room and the mother is still there, the child is generally friendly with the stranger, but avoids them when their mother leaves.
The child feels happy and is easily comforted when the mother comes back into the room.
When the mother is present, the child feels safe enough to explore the environment and plays with toys.
Anxious (ambivalent/resistant) insecure attachment style: these children are seen as too dependent, clingy even, but also resistant to their caregiver. In the experiment, this is the behavior they showed:
They are extremely distressed when their mother leaves the room.
When the stranger enters the room, the child is always scared of them, regardless if the mother is present or not.
The child is sometimes resistant to comforting behavior when the mother comes back, sometimes inconsolable.
When the mother is present, the child clings to them and does not explore as much. Also cries frequently.
Avoidant insecure attachment style: these children are seen as very independent and do not engage much with their caregiver. In the experiment, this is what they showed:
They are not distressed at all when their mother leaves the room.
When the stranger enters the room, the child is completely okay with their presence regardless if the mother is there or not.
The child does not seem to care much or show interest when the mother returns.
To this child it does not really matter if the stranger or the mother comforts them.
Disorganized insecure attachment style: these children do not seem to have a consistent attachment pattern and can react differently each time their caregiver is near them. In further experiments done by other researchers, the children show this behavior:
They seem disoriented and sometimes confused when their mother leaves the room.
When the stranger enters the room the child can sometimes be fine with the stranger, sometimes a bit scared.
The child can fear their mother or sometimes feel comfort when the mother returns.
To this child, their attachment with their mother feels inconsistent and is often unsure what to do.
Why is there a difference in attachment styles?
As mentioned before, infants mirror and react to the behavior of their caregivers, whether these are their parents or guardians. Several possible explanations exist and are described by psychologists why there are different attachment styles. Below are a few of these reasons often mentioned by them:
Maternal/paternal sensitivity: how sensitive the caregiver is to their childās needs affects their attachment strongly. For example, if a child is crying and their parents comforts them appropriately, this can lead to secure attachment.
Consistency: if caregivers provide consistent care and the child knows how they react to certain situations, it becomes easier to trust them and feel safe. If their behavior is inconsistent, then the child can feel anxious or unsafe.
Absence: caregivers who are not routinely present are considered undependable by the child and can lead to avoiding them. An attachment bond works two ways, a child feels it and notices it when their caregiver is absent.
Negative reinforcing behavior: sometimes caregivers react in an unexpected or negative way that does not meet the need of the child at all. For example, if they laugh when the child is crying or show impatience it impacts and reinforces their childās behavior negatively.
The effect of attachment on adulthood
It is a challenge for people to deal with insecure attachment when growing up. Research has shown that this leads to confidence issues, troubles with forming relationships, trauma (like developing post-traumatic stress disorder), depression, anxiety and perfectionism. It is clear that secure attachment has a more positive impact on a childās development, but unfortunately this is not always possible. It is wise to seek help from a mental health professional if you think you are insecurely attached as a child, because your coping mechanisms can be unsustainable in the long run.
Psychologists also define attachment styles in adult relationships. The way a person bonds with partners romantically can show like specific attachment patterns. It has been investigated often if there is a link between the attachment style a person has as an infant and how they deal with relationships as an adult. However, results show this is not necessarily a one-on-one copy. For example, if you are securely attached as a child it does not mean you will be securely attached as an adult and same goes for insecure attachment. While it does indicate and correlate, it can change due to the experiences a person has between their childhood and adulthood. In a future issue I will definitely zoom in on adult attachment styles (I need to keep you hooked somehowā¦), but I hope this was insightful to understand more about attachment in general!
Comparing a Fixed and a Growth Mindset
I remember well going on holiday a few years ago and spending some time at the airport waiting for my flight. I walked into a bookstore looking for a good read. My eyes fell on a book by Stanford professor Carol Dweck called āMindset: The New Psychology of Successā which seemed interesting, so I decided to buy it. I was very pleasantly surprised by the content and it actually felt like finding the missing piece that I needed then. It helped me understand my own upbringing and mindset I was presented with when I was younger. Of course, a mindset is not just handed to you, your personality, experiences and own attitude play an important role too. Nevertheless, it was as if I was gazing into a mirror, showing me how my perspective on life caused me trouble.
I hear you thinking. What is your mindset then? And what does it mean to have either a growth or a fixed mindset? Well, I am going to deep dive into this for sure. But before I do, I want to let you think for a second. How do you approach challenges? Do you feel like the outcome is already set in stone based on who you are and what you can do? Is a challenge something you enjoy, or does it give you anxiety? Our attitudes towards our skills, talent and intelligence play a major role in our mindset. And that is exactly what Carol Dweck researched in young students, discovering two separate perspectives and categorizing them in either a fixed or a growth mindset. Letās find out what this actually meansā¦
What do these two mindsets mean, exactly?
Carol Dweck wanted to know how students and young children dealt with challenges and obstacles when learning something new or when doing a test in school. She found that there were two different approaches the children applied to such situations. For example, she measured their reaction when they received a low grade for an exam. One group of students clearly mentioned they wonāt study harder for their next exam. They all said things like: āWhy should I? Apparently I am not smart enoughā or āItās useless, I always failā. The other group mentioned quite the opposite, as they wanted to study even harder for their next exam! Their motivation became clear through these statements: āI want to learn from my mistakesā or āI know I can do thisā.
The main distinction Carol Dweck saw here and quickly realized was that students had a certain perspective considering their intelligence and skills. One group seemed to think that your intelligence is set in stone and you either can do something or not. Talent was the most important trait to them, which would indicate success. If they failed, they tried to compare themselves to people who flunked even more. The other group had another thought process, thinking that as long as you work hard or try enough you can do anything. Failure motivated them, while for the other group it actually made them give up. Dweck named one approach a āfixed mindsetā and the other a āgrowth mindsetā.
Fixed Mindset
Intelligence is a fixed trait
Wants to be considered smart
Tries to avoid enormous challenges
Gives up when there are many obstacles
Putting in a lot of effort is useless
Not really open to criticism
Feels threatened by other peopleās success
Growth Mindset
Intelligence can be trained
Wants to keep learning
Embraces challenges
Persists when obstacles arise
Knows putting in effort is needed
Is open to criticism
Inspired by other peopleās success
While a fixed mindset seems to be a more ānegativeā mindset, it is important to understand that in many families or surroundings this is presented as a fact and how the world works. Think about stereotypes such as āgirls are worse at mathā or 'people saying āyou are not a smart kidā. This reinforces low confidence and adds to developing a fixed mindset. It can even work the other way around. For example, as a kid I was told often I was smart. While that might sound nice, it was not the case for me. I just thought I never had to work hard. Intelligence was a given, right? So I did not study much and failed at times, not getting high grades at all. It made me feel like an impostor (thinking: I am not smartā¦), trying to hide my failures instead of studying.
Want to know if you have a growth or a fixed mindset? A scorecard was created based on the book by Carol Dweck, you can find it here. Add the scores to each question and find out which one you have. Do you have a fixed mindset? Donāt worry, your brain CAN actually be trained. Trust me, it can work.
How can I change from a fixed to a growth mindset?
It is not easy, because your fixed mindset might say you canāt. But, it is possible. Guess what? It takes some work! The first step is that you need to be aware of it. Hope this article already helped you to some degree. Then, when a challenge arises think back to this. Our brain can be trained. Sure, talent exists. Some people are smarter than others. But this does not mean you cannot improve. Our brain can build new connections and learning pathways, so try and put in the work when you need to use a new skill. Think about famous people good at sports, they need to train a lot. Are you failing? Do it over and over and over again. Keep trying. Learn how the brain works. And last but not least, use positive self-talk. Tell yourself you can do it, be your own cheerleader. It can do wonders!
How to Meditate Properly?
Many times in the mental health community, people say you should practice mindfulness and learn how to meditate. I was never really good at it. Being in the present moment has always been a challenge, as my mind works overtime thinking about the future and many other things. I know I am not the only one. So it helps to practice. And give yourself enough space to get better and try. If you have never done this, it might be a big change, so start with small steps. Here are some general tips that can work well when meditating:
Focus on breathing. If you focus on inhaling and exhaling, it provides you with the opportunity to move your attention away from various thoughts to the present and something more tangible, like your body.
Adjust your position. Trying to meditate is difficult when your body is not in the right position. If you want to be successful, a correct posture is required. Sitting down with your back upright is best.
Increase awareness. It is very normal that you experience many thoughts and bodily sensations when you are meditating. Everyone has this. Try to be aware of them all, but do not focus on them. Just let them be.
Letting go of thoughts. For meditation to work, it is necessary to have all the thoughts you became aware of to slowly drift away. Let them pass and calm yourself. Bring your attention back to your position and your body.
If you donāt know where to start with meditation, there are great guides and applications available. I have tried a few of these and I can definitely recommend them. The ones worth a try are Headspace and Calm if you have not heard of them before!
Get a Poster from the Present Psychologist!
Lately I have been getting some DMs and emails asking me if I sell posters for some of my posts. Mainly these requests have come from people working in an office or as school teachers. While it is hard to set up a print shop with physical deliveries as you all live in different countries, I decided to start with posters that can be bought as digital downloads in high resolution quality. You can then go to your local print shop and customize them how you want. Use the code ā25OFFā in the cart to get a 25% discount.
This has some advantages:
No shipping costs
Making as many copies as you want
Getting different sizes all at once
Picking your own material, size and frame
Want to find out more? Click the button below to visit my Etsy Shop:
Help me raise awareness š
My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
Will you help me achieve my goal by spreading this newsletter? 2050 mental health advocates already have subscribed. Help me out by sharing this subscription link either within your network or mention/tag me on social media!
Not subscribed to The Present Psychologist Paper yet yourself? Please click the button below to ensure you will receive the next edition in your inbox:
If you want to check out my Instagram page, follow me here:
really enjoyed the notion of fixed vs growth mindset, it's great to learn official terminology to describe those differences in attitude. subscribed, keep it up!