Issue #59: Being Conflict-Avoidant
Learn what it means to avoid conflict and how to best deal with it
Dear mental health advocate,
If you have a dispute with someone, can you easily deal with it? Or do you rather run away and try to keep everything harmonious? Then it might well be that you are conflict-avoidant. In today’s free edition of The Present Psychologist Paper I will dive deeper into what it means to be conflict-avoidant and how you can deal with this. Want to find out more? Keep on reading…
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Dealing With Conflict Avoidance
I have spent my entire life struggling with conflict. I love peace, serenity and that kumbaya-moment where everyone seems to get along. But at the same time, I know that is not always possible. Conflict is part of life. We all have our desires, wants and needs. However, it regularly occurs that these do not align with those of other people. This leads to a difference of opinion and can only be resolved by negotiation or settling the conflict. If you are conflict-avoidant, like me, you probably also cross your own boundaries and please others to ensure there is no conflict. In the end, this means you are not really acting in your own interest.
Sure, in some situations being altruistic or helping the group instead of fulfilling your own needs can be a good thing. But consistently not standing up for yourself out of fear to rub someone the wrong way is not really a sustainable strategy. Conflict can be healthy, it requires you to think about and deal with other people’s interests. It can help couples grow and makes people self-reflect better how they impact others. Research also shows that keeping your emotions hidden for the sake of avoiding conflict is unhealthy and increases chances of early death. If you do not tell other people what you want, it can lead to loneliness and depression.
What causes conflict avoidance?
A lot of conflict-avoidant behavior is rooted in childhood experiences and parenting styles. If you are young and you are confronted with a conflict, it is possible that the other person does not handle conflicts well. Unproductive conflict resolution means that when a dispute arises, one or multiple people show behavior that is not helpful to make the conflict go away. Think about passive-aggressive communication, explosive emotions, guilt-tripping or even flat out becoming abusive. If this occurs, the other person might learn (especially if it is a child) that a conflict leads to negative consequences.
Psychologists also argue that parenting styles can have a big influence in how people approach conflicts as a child and when they grow up to be an adult. If a parent is very authoritarian and creates an environment of fear, the child will be afraid to speak up or will never challenge their parent’s authority. They know that if they do, they will suffer from consequences and instead will internalize conflicts. The same goes for very permissive parents, as children will not learn boundaries and will not get used to situations where conflict or negotiation is necessary to balance needs.
What does conflict-avoidance look like?
There are several signs that might indicate you avoid conflict rather than deal with it. It does not look the same for everyone, but there are some general similarities. Below I have a list of conflict-avoidant behavior and signs:
You are scared to disappoint someone else and fear they might not be happy if you raise any concern.
You go through great lengths to please others. If they are happy, you think you are too. Even if this means crossing some boundaries.
When communicating, you jump through hoops to steer the conversation in a different direction if you suspect a conflict.
You have had experience with terrible conflicts in the past, so you go through great lengths not to be in the same situation again.
You internalize and bottle up emotions and frustrations as you are scared of conflict when showing them. This could lead to outbursts and shame/guilt.
You resent the fact that certain feelings or conflicts are unresolved because you avoid them, but you can’t put yourself to it, so you suffer in silence.
You have been treated unfairly, but because you avoid a conflict and will not let people know this is the case, injustice will prevail.
You find it challenging to express yourself clearly, because you are afraid of the consequences and causing a potential conflict.
What to do if you are conflict-avoidant?
If you struggle with conflicts, people often do not know how to approach them. As they have not learned how to deal with a conflict of interest, they might try a different tactic to overcome their fear of conflict: they become aggressive in their communication. The best option is to try and practice assertiveness: protecting your needs, communicating boundaries all while remaining civil. Aside from this, there are some other tips you could try out:
When you approach someone, always be respectful and calm while communicating. Emotions might lead to issues if there is a conflict.
Describe your feelings well and what your vision is when trying to resolve a conflict.
Do not engage other people in the conflict, work on owning your opinion and sharing it in an assertive, but kind way.
Avoid getting too personal in a conflict, only discuss the topic that is relevant to the issue at hand.
Try and find out what the underlying issue to someone’s problem is. It can help with resolving the conflict.
Focus on seeking the middle ground and meeting someone half way or any other acceptable option. Conflict resolution often means compromising.
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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