Issue #58: Couples & Conflicts
Learn about negative patterns in relationships and how they impact couples
Dear mental health advocate,
If you find yourself in a romantic relationship, the likelihood that you will have a conflict about something someday is pretty high. It’s normal even. But sometimes, the way of handling conflicts becomes a negative pattern that impacts the relationship in a bad way. In today’s free edition of The Present Psychologist I will discuss four particular types of negative patterns in romantic relationships. Want to find out more? Keep on reading!
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Couples and Conflicts
A very interesting research organization that I follow and read about a lot is the Gottman Institute. It was founded by psychologists Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, who have been pioneers in researching couples, marriages, divorces and anything else related to human relationships. It always fascinated me how people interact and how they approach love. The interesting thing is that the Gottmans have researched so many couples in various settings, that they have been able to make groundbreaking conclusions and share fascinating insights. They categorized types of couples, learned which factors can contribute to a divorce and how communication influences a romantic relationship.
Gottman conducted many experiments, of which there is one I would like to describe today and explain the takeaways from. He researched and observed couples in a setting where they were arguing and communicating together. Specifically, these couples were having a conflict and were discussing it. To resolve it, but also in general anything related to the conflict. Based on these results, Gottman found four negative communication styles that can predict the end of the relationship or even a divorce. He called these the ‘Four Horsemen’ as a metaphor based on the biblical four who brought the apocalypse (conquest, war, famine and death). In relationships, these four styles Gottman described are criticizing, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness.
Each Horseman Explained
I would like to provide insight on each of these specific negative communication styles and provide examples, so it will be more helpful to potentially recognize these in your relationships. It is good to be aware of them, as they could indicate your partner or you are negatively influencing the relationship. Not to just put a stamp on it like ‘my relationship is doomed’, but to ensure you know you both should work on your communication.
Horseman #1: Criticizing
This negative communication style is not just about making comments about something you feel your partner has done wrong, no, it is more about criticizing your partner for who they are. It is an attack on the person itself and specifically about their character as a whole. Not judging an action, but their whole self. The difficult thing here is that it is more painful and such a critique is hard to refute.
Example: ‘You are such a difficult, annoying person who cannot be trusted. I can’t ever leave you alone, all you do is cheat.’
Horseman #2: Contempt
This negative communication style is a difficult one to deal with as it really shows the negative affect someone is feeling towards you. One partner will show contempt in a ridiculing way. For example, disrespect is shown by making fun of someone, through mimicking body language or just calling someone offensive names. It is joking with the intent to hurt the other person. Contempt can be bullying.
Example: ‘Look at you Mr. Sensitive! You are so weak and such a crybaby. No wonder you have no friends’.
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
According to Gottman, this negative communication style is often a reaction to contempt or criticism. When we feel attacked, then in many cases we resort to defending ourselves and attacking people back. Especially when we are cornered. Then, we try to claim to be innocent or even find excuses to explain away our behavior. Sometimes this means flat out denying something even happened.
Example: ‘You are always claiming I never do anything right. It is such a lie, I always do what I should. I just did not have time to take the trash out.’
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Finally, the fourth horseman is a communication style (or better said, lack of communication) where one partner just completely stops interacting with the other one altogether. They shut their partner out by not responding to their talking and body language. This sometimes means just tuning out, ignoring them, walking away or becoming distracted from the entire conversation.
Example: ‘Leave me alone. I don’t care about what you have to say. I am going now, just let me be.’
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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