Issue #4: Codependent Relationships
Learn about different relationship dynamics, our creative brain and how to cope with change
Dear mental health advocate,
For me, the weekend is a much needed moment to take a break from the rat race and relax. Normally I enjoy my Saturday morning by reading newspapers and magazines with interesting and insightful articles. Hopefully you do too! Because today you can read about various mental health topics again in the fourth issue of The Present Psychologist Paper.
Codependency and relationship dynamics are the central topics in the first article. Many couples where one or both partner(s) struggle with their mental health could potentially suffer from being completely dependent on each other. This generally means that a person’s self-worth, their emotional regulation and needs are put in their partner’s hands, creating an unhealthy dependability.
In the second article I will zoom in on the magic of our complex brain, specifically how creativity works and how it can lead to artistic output. Certain brain areas are known to play an important part. For example, the prefrontal cortex is crucial in the creative process as it helps humans to think in abstract ways and uses the working memory to ideate.
At the end I will provide some tips on how to cope with change. I always think about the quote ‘the only constant in the world is change’. This saying resonates so much with me, because there have been many times where I had to adjust to new situations unexpectedly. Also when I thought it would stay the same. It is vital to learn how to cope with change to increase your own resilience. With the pandemic fresh in mind and other world crises happening, it could definitely be helpful. Keep on reading to find out more!
Codependent Relationships
The beauty about life is that we don’t always have to do everything alone. We turn to people for help, for social activities, to find purpose and most importantly: we connect with others to give and receive love. Sure, self-love is very much needed and crucial to live a happy life. But, loving someone or being loved can be an amazing, beautiful and for many an experience they can’t live without. To most, a relationship is one of the main pillars leading to a happy and meaningful life (not shaming or trying to erase people that are perfectly content being single by choice).
People find love and bond in various ways. Many mental health professionals focusing on family, couples and addiction research these romantic attachments to figure out how to heal people that struggle with them. Based on decades of investigating these, psychologists have defined different relationship dynamics. Some are healthier and more sustainable, while others predict a higher chance of mental health struggles and breaking up.
One of the key components that psychologists often discuss when it comes to romantic relationships is the degree of dependability. The essence of being in a couple means that the partners rely on each other to a certain extent. But, in some cases there is too much or too little dependency which can cause problems. Several relationship dynamics can be distinguished: codependence, interdependence and independence. Two of these I will highlight below.
What is codependence?
The concept of ‘codependence’ in terms of romantic relationships was first mentioned and discussed when it concerned people struggling with substance abuse. While treating a person with an alcohol addiction, mental health professionals noticed certain behavioral patterns in their partners. The word ‘codependent’ probably evolved from the labels ‘co-alcoholic’ and ‘chemically dependent’, trying to describe the partners of the individual suffering from substance abuse.
The psychologists found that the partners sometimes had specific tendencies such as people-pleasing, difficulties staying away from abuse or showing enabling habits. They were also more likely to have a history of being abused as a child (‘What is codependency?’ by James P. Morgan, Jr). It seemed as if these individuals were inclined to stay in either abusive relationships or with chemically dependent partners.
In psychological research codependency has meant several things. Over the course of time the definition and practical application have changed. At first, codependency was used as a didactic tool to let family members and partners dealing with a chemically dependent loved one notice their own dysfunctional patterns and enabling behavior. Then, it was used more as a disorder people could suffer from, but there was disagreement on its symptoms and how to diagnose it.
Currently, codependency is more seen as a psychological concept that can explain actions and explicit patterns. Okay, but how do we define it then? Well, one of the best descriptions I could find comes from Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, written in her book ‘Choice-making: for co-dependents, adult children, and spirituality seekers’ from 1985:
‘Codependency is a specific condition that is characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependency (emotionally, socially, and sometimes physically) on a person or object. Eventually, this dependence on another person becomes a pathological condition that affects the codependent in all relationships’
This details perfectly how codependency affects not only a person’s behavior, but also how it relates to someone else. Wegscheider-Cruse pinpointed several other characteristics as well that are frequently seen in codependent people: being in denial, a freeze response, low self-esteem and stress-related medical issues. Based on this input a codependent relationship would mean that two people are too dependent on each other which encompasses several aspects (emotionally, socially and/or physically).
Codependency patterns and behavior
Many of you probably have heard of the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA). How about Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)? Possibly a bit less familiar. Like AA and NA, CoDA is a support group for people, but then for those who are struggling with codependency. Based on input from their members and research, CoDA composed a list of symptoms and categorized them in five patterns: denial, low self-esteem, avoidance, control and compliance. Each of these patterns can be observed in codependent people, although not all need to be present:
Denial patterns: these symptoms are mostly related to not accepting reality or being realistic, refusing to see what is happening or how a relationship actually is. The following behavior can be considered denial:
not able to identify how you feel yourself (without your partner)
diminishing or not acknowledging your feelings
considering yourself a pleaser focusing just on your partner’s needs
Low self-esteem patterns: these symptoms are rooted in low confidence, not seeing yourself as a worthy person or even thinking you are less important than your partner. These types of behavior are caused by low self-esteem:
not being able to make decisions on your own
seeing yourself as less of a person, not good enough or worthless
finding it difficult to identify your needs or ask for something
putting too much emphasis on other people’s (or partner’s) opinion
Compliance patterns: these symptoms can be best explained as the need to conform to certain standards or other people’s wishes. What can be seen as compliance behavior:
showing loyalty even if it harms your own wellbeing
not upholding your own values, to keep others happy
avoiding rejection by pretending to be someone or something
being scared to express your own opinions or interests
Control patterns: these symptoms are mainly focused on keeping control to avoid getting hurt, or by trying to manipulate other people so you will not lose them. These behaviors are viewed as controlling:
using sex, gifts or similar acts of ‘love’ to gain acceptance
constantly trying to take care of the other person or partner
convincing someone what to do or feel
Avoidance patterns: these symptoms describe how codependency can look like avoiding specific situations, feelings or actions. Some examples of what codependent people do:
not communicating directly, showing passive-aggressive behavior
avoiding intimacy, not daring to be vulnerable
judging when people share emotions or their issues
Comparing different relationship dynamics
Okay, so romantic relationships look different for everyone. There are various types possible to seal or consume your love. But, if you share a certain bond then it is necessary to always be mindful of your own needs. While numerous relationship constructions are possible, psychologists have defined several forms of relationship dynamics that actually describe how partners interact with each other and how they regulate their dependence. Two of these dependency types I want to discuss and compare today: interdependence and codependence.
As explained before, codependency is a condition or concept that signifies a person is preoccupied with and extremely dependent on a person or object. In a codependent relationship, both partners are too dependent on each other and there is a struggle who is in control and has the power. Anxiety runs rampant because both their moods are dependent on how the other feels, so each one of them tries to make the other feel good and happy. This can result in crossing boundaries and not accepting alone time to nourish individual needs.
Crossing boundaries results in personalities, emotions and needs blending together. If one does not feel good, neither does the other. There is fear of rejection. Agony even, because they are convinced that without their loved one it is not possible to function. Living through the other person’s emotions and believing you are responsible for them is tiring for both parties. Pressure is constant which increases insecurity and makes each partner scared they will lose control. All of these struggles can lead to honesty, boundary and intimacy issues. You feel you are half of the other and need them to survive.
Interdependent relationships are quite a contrasting story. People sharing an intimate and loving bond will always be dependent on one another to some degree. That’s what love is and means. But, with interdependence there is a main difference: both partners maintain their autonomy while depending on the other. It can best be described as taking care of yourself, regulating your own emotions and having separate activities and needs. You turn to your partner to get affection, share moments and be close together. Individuality is celebrated and you lend support, instead of trying to fix the other person.
I’m in a codependent relationship. What now?
Relationships are complex and not black-and-white. It is not the case that couples are codependent or interdependent 100% of the time, rather it can fluctuate a bit. Nonetheless, if many of the symptoms mentioned previously sound familiar to you then finding help or support can improve your situation. Here are a few options and tips:
Join Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA). This is a support group for people suffering from codependency. There are plenty of options with international, local and even online meetings. Check out the link!
Consider couples therapy if you and your partner are open to it. A mental health professional can provide objective views, discuss patterns and offer tools to deal with codependency.
Work together with your partner to focus on open and honest communication, setting boundaries and time apart to explore your own interests.
Think about what your needs are, what YOU feel and how to ensure that you have a life both without and with your partner. Seeing yourself as a separate entity is crucial here.
The Secrets of Our Creative Brain
One of the most interesting and impactful topics psychology as a science researches is our magical brain. I am obsessed with learning about it, because there are still many secrets left to discover. Scientists keep running numerous experiments and scans to find out how our brain works. In this article I want to explore and try to explain a process that shows the power of our brain: creativity. I have always been a person focused on logic and reasoning, but currently I am trying to embrace my creative side. This is scary sometimes as it feels like uncharted territory. I don’t know how it works. So, I decided to dig a little deeper…
If you would ask a random person on the street: what comes to mind when you think of creativity? Many would likely reply with something that has to do with the arts: a famous painting, a great book, or maybe a musical masterpiece? Psychologists sometimes refer to this type as ‘Big-C’ creativity, which results in one of a kind creations not everyone is able to make. But, there is also another type: ‘little-C’ creativity. Everyone has this. Think about how people solve everyday challenges or tasks, like combining pieces of clothing to create an outfit, cooking without a recipe, doing some home improvements or solving a puzzle using your imagination.
According to researcher Roger Beaty, owner of Cognitive Neuroscience of Creativity Lab at Penn State, there is a question often asked by psychologists to examine the creative process. Participants need to concentrate on regular objects and imagine how these can be used for a different purpose than originally intended. Examples of these objects are simple things, such as a cardboard box or a bowl. Exercises like the one just mentioned trigger creative thinking. While intuitively this process of creative thinking seems like a spontaneous occurrence, it actually requires conscious thinking and significant cognitive effort.
Which parts of our brain play a role?
Numerous parts in our brain need to work together in order to produce creative and innovative thinking processes. Creativity only seems possible when memory and imagination are combined, which has resulted in psychologists believing that several networks are at play:
The default network (DN): a main connection between several areas, consisting of the medial prefrontal cortex, bilateral inferior parietal lobes, posterior cingulate cortex, and the medial temporal lobes as well. This network is triggered when people are in a resting mode (not sleeping!) or simply relaxing.
The central executive network (CEN): a system in our brain responsible for maintaining information and adjusting it how we see fit to solve specific problems. We also to make decisions or when imagining the future. This network includes the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex and the lateral posterior parietal cortex.
The salience network (SN): this is a large network in the brain which actively selects the stimuli that we need to direct our full attention to. These could be things in our direct environment, or in our imagination. It switches between the default network and the central executive network. The salience network is mainly composed of the anterior insula as well as the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex.
In Beaty’s research, people who had stronger connections between these three networks had more original ideas than the other participants. Further research found that people with more grey matter in their brain are more creative on average. Because they are more creative, the people with more grey matter and strong connections between the three brain networks also are more imaginative and curious when comparing them to the others.
Can I stimulate my creativity?
While psychologists are not completely sure yet if creativity can be improved, there are some signs that at least short-term creativity can be boosted through certain activities and sensory input. Below a few tips on how you could try to stimulate your creativity:
Pick up that brush, guitar or pen. The best way to keep your creative brain active is by doing. It is all about trial and error! Overthinking does not help.
Find a change of scenery, whether it is by going on a vacation or visiting a new place. This refreshes you and creates new experiences.
Break with some routines and patterns. Venturing in uncharted waters challenges you and your brain if you do new things.
Take a walk into nature, it can help not having any distractions and is an excellent opportunity to brainstorm ideas about a new project or creative outlet.
Never give up. The creative process takes time, Rome was not built in a day and neither is your next masterpiece!
Listen to your intuition, use your imagination and associate with words.
How to Cope with Change?
I remember vividly reading an interesting article around New Year’s Eve when we were just about to enter 2020, discussing what the next decade would bring. The journalist shared an analysis about the state of the world, believing this decade would bring huge changes in world politics, climate and our democracies. He compared it with what our world was like a hundred years ago, on the brink of the roaring twenties and called the coming decade the ‘transition twenties’. Now, two years later, we can safely say: there were some crazy and challenging moments.
With the COVID pandemic fresh in our minds and the invasion of Ukraine last week, our ability to cope with change and our need to be resilient seems more important than ever. The weird thing about change is that it is the only constant in life (I just love that quote…), but humans generally do not really like it. We love the status quo, dwell on the past and uncertainty triggers anxiety. I know I have definitely been there and still am from time to time. There are many causes and reasons why we find change and the unknown so gruelling, but I will leave that for another time.
This article is meant more to give you some advice and tips on how to deal with change. I feel that this could be helpful during these unsettling moments which impact many of us. Applying these tips is not always a walk in the park, but better try than not doing anything at all right?
Think deep about everything that is happening around you, what stays the same and what is bound to change. Are there things you can keep the same? Are there things you want to keep like they have always been? Then, think about what is in your control and what is not in your control. Writing these down can be helpful, so make two of these lists (first what stays the same and what will change, then about the things that are changing make a list in/out of your control).
Based on these lists, you can try to work on accepting the things you cannot control. This is easier said than done, especially when it comes to horrible events like illness, death, deep mental struggles and more. But, awareness and trying can get you far. Mindfulness and meditation are quite useful (I keep repeating, but there’s a lot of power in them).
For the things that are changing and that you can control to a certain degree, well, consider which advantages there are or which positive things can come out of it. Imagine starting a new job, it might be scary but you can try to make a good impression, talk to colleagues and meet them for lunch to connect or learn new skills. You can’t put a positive spin on everything, but you probably understand what I mean.
Stick to routines that are still available to you and still possible in new and challenging times. These can help a lot and offer a hold when everything seems unsteady and unsure. Actions like eating healthy food or taking a walk each morning are examples that can do wonders and make you better equipped to deal with the rest.
Create comfort for yourself. Difficult changes can drain your energy immensely and need to be counterbalanced by things that actually give energy. This looks different for everyone (some want company to recharge, some need alone time for example) so think what you need! Think about surrounding yourself with loved ones, listening to music, working out, playing a game, reading a good book, you name it…
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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