Issue #29: Are You A People-Pleaser?
Learn about crossing boundaries, putting your needs first and pleasing others
Dear mental health advocate,
How’s the beginning of your week? If you need some distraction or something to read, here’s another premium edition of The Present Psychologist Paper. In this issue I will talk about what it means to be a people-pleaser. For some (or even many) of us, it is challenging to set boundaries and put our own needs first, because we want others to be happy. In some cases, this becomes a pattern of pleasing behavior. How this works? Keep reading to find out more!
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Are You A People-Pleaser?
As humans we seem to be designed to help others. It is in our nature to ensure survival of others as it is difficult to do everything in life by yourself. Sometimes doing things for others can even be considered altruism, which is displaying a selfless act that benefits others and potentially has a disadvantage for yourself. Where would we be without it? Well.. a selfish and completely individualistic society which would be detrimental to our further existence as a species.
But, everything has a balance. Showing consistent, altruistic behavior without acknowledging or even fulfilling your own needs can do a lot of harm as well. Especially when this altruistic behavior turns you into what we in psychology terms call being a people-pleaser. This can be defined as:
‘A person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires’
Like this definition shows, being a people-pleaser is someone who has the NEED to please others. It is something that they just HAVE to do. It is some sort of a coping mechanism, a way to avoid getting hurt and compensate for feeling worthless. Because why should a people-pleaser focus on their own needs if there are other people seemingly needing their help more?
Why can it be a bad thing?
The biggest trap with people-pleasing is that in the short run it can feel like a good thing. You are being kind, you are helping someone else, right? Yes. It will even make you look good, they will be happy with you. But, ultimately it also wears you out. It can make you cross your own boundaries. And how else can it impact you in a bad way?
Authenticity issues: overriding your own needs to please others means you are not living your authentic self. You basically push yourself away.
Relationship issues: if you please others you might get frustrated when others are getting what you want while you are putting the effort in. It creates an imbalance between you and the other person.
Anxiety issues: constantly trying to ensure other people get what they want requires being fully attuned to someone’s needs and emotions. This can be stressful and induce anxiety.
How can you recognize people-pleasing?
Surely, many of us are and try to be a good and kind person. There’s nothing wrong with that. We need to help people out. It is important and very valuable thing to be nice. But, it is all about the balance. Therefore, I wanted to share a list of signs that could indicate you are more a people-pleaser than just a kind person:
You are very apologetic when others are around.
You are being taken advantage of by others.
You are scared to disagree with other people.
You avoid confrontation with most, if not everyone.
You find it difficult to be authentic or to show your authentic self.
On average, you spend way more time on other people than yourself.
There is a strong imbalance between what you give compared to what you take.
When something goes wrong, you take the blame. Even when it’s not your fault.
You find it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to say no to someone else.
As with any list, it does not mean you have to tick all these nine boxes. However, if you regularly show around five of these signs or more it is safe to say you are a people pleaser.
So I am a people-pleaser. What now?
In another edition I will definitely do a deep dive into getting rid of people-pleasing behavior. Why not now? Well… I still have to ensure you come back! And, because people-pleasing can have so many different causes that are very often deeply ingrained in a person. Unfortunately a magic wand to quickly say ‘this is how to fix it!’ does not exist. Are you really suffering from people-pleasing? Please talk to a therapist or another mental health professional. There is no shame in that.
Regardless, I want to provide some general tips that can work when you suffer from pleasing everyone besides yourself:
Ask for help sometimes. That’s okay and perfectly normal.
Set boundaries. Know when it is enough and when you need to recharge.
Try to spend some time with just you. Think what you need yourself.
Write down what makes you happy and what you would like to happen.
Practice being assertive and addressing your needs to others. You’d be surprised what can happen!
This is a redacted version of an article I have written earlier. As many of you are new, I thought this would be a useful repost.
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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