Issue #22: Difficult Friendships
Learn about the ups and downs of friendships and how they have a strong impact on your life.
Dear mental health advocate,
I have written a new edition of The Present Psychologist Paper to help raise awareness about mental health and psychology. Hope you will enjoy it!
Before I get into it, have you considered subscribing to a premium membership? Some of you do not have access to therapy (yet) and while I do not claim I can provide you with a similar alternative, these newsletters provide you with a lot of insights concerning mental health. They will help you with understanding yourself better, your relationships, why we do the things we do and actionable tips to improve your struggles.
Premium means more content each biweekly edition (2 extra articles written by me), extra content like advice columns and access to all previous paid content. For example, read about an inferiority complex here, fear of abandonment here, childhood wounds here, adult attachment styles here or find out what a dysfunctional family looks like here.
If you are interested, I have a special autumn sale for 30% off, both for the monthly and yearly subscription. Instead of $5.50 a month or $55 a year you can now subscribe for $3.85 a month or $38.50 a year! The price of a cheap takeaway coffee each month, cancellable when you want and you would support me as a freelancer to keep the content going as well as improve your own mental health.
And now, back to the content. In this edition I will deep dive into friendships and more specifically, difficult ones. While a lot is often said about how complicated romantic relationships are, we should not forget how being a friend can be a challenge too. Want to learn more about toxic friendships? Keep on reading…
Difficult Friendships
When it comes to adult human relationships, people always talk about how complex family dynamics are or how romance is never easy. Unlike friendships. When there are issues with friendships, it is often brushed off and considered more a teenager thing. A friendship break-up? Sounds a lot like high school drama. But the impact and the occurrence should not be underestimated. Sure, we all have had the situation where we just grew apart with certain friends. That’s the normal course of life. Our goals, needs and environment sometimes change and that can result in falling out of touch. Not because anything bad happened. Think about two friends moving across the country to attend different universities for example.
However, sometimes the friends that are still in our lives can cause some inner turmoil. You might have the idea that because we can pick our friends, it is always a relationship based on positive interactions. But that is not the case. Just like a romantic relationship, yes, it is a connection that you have ‘chosen’ to invest in. And as a result, you don’t just want to give it up when the going gets tough. Imagine being friends for over 10 years, experiencing many highs and lows together. Likely, you would do a lot for each other. Unfortunately, it is a possibility that the friendship dynamic is based on more negative interactions than positive. And that is what I want to discuss today: difficult and toxic friendships.
What are ‘toxic’ and difficult friendships exactly?
Friendships are relationships and relationships are connections, made and maintained by people. And people, well, we are amazing, but we are also imperfect. We make mistakes, we hurt people and we sometimes do things that impact others in a negative way. While being a friend is a form of responsibility, we might play by different rules. Our bond with someone else might consist of more unhealthy and negative interaction and thus signifies a complicated friendship. The important thing to note here is that in some friendships it can be true that both individuals on their own are good people and behaving in a healthy and sustainable way, but when these two people interact there is a toxic dynamic.
So, let’s first look at what a friendship actually means. The problem (or beauty, whichever perspective you have on this) with the concept ‘friend’ is that it can mean something else for everyone. I’d like for you to think about what your thoughts are about this construct. What does this word stand for in your opinion? What is a friend? What does a friend do? When would you consider someone a friend? Likely, if you compare these answers with another person, you might see differences. So, when you connect with someone who you consider to be a friend, it could well be that your expectations do not match.
According to Oxford languages, a friend is considered:
“A person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.”
So, with this definition in mind, there has to be mutual liking in order to speak of a friendship. How can it become toxic or complicated then? Well, author Suzanne Degges-White, who wrote the book ‘Toxic Friendships’ sums it up quite clearly:
“Toxic friendships happen when one person is being emotionally harmed or used by another, making the relationship more of a burden than support.”
What are the signs of a ‘toxic’ friendship?
There are a lot of signs that could indicate your friendship might be a little harmful and emotionally damaging. A side note is that the emphasis should be on how often these signs occur. Naturally, some can occur in moderation, which is normal. It is all about balance. Nevertheless, the following signs you should be aware of:
They make fun of you all the time. Putting you down just when the two of you are together or even in front of others. A joke is possible, especially when you think it is funny too. But when you feel really hurt constantly, that’s not okay.
They only care about themselves. When there is something going on with them, they expect you to help or be there for them. However, when it is the other way around then they do not show up. A lot of taking and no giving, that’s an issue.
They try and change you into someone. Sure, a friend can inspire you and show you the way to learn about new things. But, when they try and change you into something that you do not want to do or into someone you are not comfortable with, it is time to reassess.
They gossip about you behind your back. Although gossiping is pretty normal and everyone does it, if your supposed friend is chronically badmouthing you when you are not around, it is a definite red flag.
They never want to take responsibility. Sure, everyone makes mistakes. In a real friendship though, a friend would own up to a mistake and apologize. Or, at least they would acknowledge you and your pain if they have caused it.
They make you feel like you are not up to their standards. If they compare you in a negative way to other friends or themselves, it can be emotionally damaging to you. Imagine feeling like you are not good enough. No one likes that feeling, right?
What is the impact of such toxicity on your mental health?
The effects on your mental health can be very big if you are dealing with complicated friendships. Close relationships can make you feel on top of the world, but when there are issues it can make you vulnerable and feel like your heart is being stomped on. So, let’s look a bit more into the effects:
Loss of support. If your friend makes you feel bad, then it could well be that it feels lonely. Especially if they are the person you normally confide in and tell your innermost secrets and feelings to, it can feel alienating to experience such toxicity.
Physical discomfort. Issues with close friends can increase your stress levels a lot and induce anxiety. A loss of sleep and ruminating on and on will make it more difficult to feel good about yourself and the situation.
Self-inflicted pain. If a friendship is emotionally damaging, you might think you are to blame yourself. Your confidence can take a strong hit, because the situation might make you believe that you are responsible for how everything turned out.
Final say on complicated friendships
A toxic friendship can turn a bit into a vicious cycle, just like with other abusive relationships. They emotionally harm you, but then they do something nice or apologize and then you forgive and move on. Until it happens again. Although no friendship is perfect and neither are you (we all make mistakes and sometimes hurt other people), it would be a good exercise for yourself to double-check the balance. If you feel bad all the time because of a certain friend, write down what has happened and compare the good times and the bad times. Is there a clear imbalance skewed to the negative side? There might be some action needed. My piece of advice would always be, check in with them and voice your feelings without accusing them. After all, it is a person you love. Just ensure that you protect yourself.
Poll Time! ⏰
Substack has introduced the new option on their Substack app for writers to implement a chat functionality so they can connect with readers.
Build Your Own Online Mental Health Account!
Starting on social media can be very overwhelming. It takes a lot of time and is not always easy. Some people have reached out to me they want to start their own mental health account but do not have much hours left in a day to make infographics. Therefore, I have created a bundle of 50 templates built in Canva. If you are interested, click on the button below to get them with a discount.
Help me raise awareness 💌
My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
Will you help me achieve my goal by spreading this newsletter? 4935 mental health advocates already have subscribed. Help me out by sharing this subscription link either within your network or mention/tag me on social media!
Not subscribed to The Present Psychologist Paper yet yourself? Please click the button below to ensure you will receive the next edition in your inbox:
If you have any questions, please comment here and I am happy to respond!