Issue #2: Feeling Like a Fraud...
Learn about the impostor syndrome, what it means to be a people-pleaser and how to apologize properly
Dear mental health advocate,
Thank you for all the positive reactions after receiving the first edition of The Present Psychologist Paper two weeks ago. This definitely keeps me going and gives me energy to write more about psychology and mental health.
Today you can find a new edition full with fresh articles and content! In this issue I will discuss a topic that I have suffered from myself and might be relatable to you: feeling like a fraud. In psychology this is called the impostor syndrome and can lead to a lot of anxiety, stress and self-limiting behavior.
Next, I will explain what it means to be a people-pleaser. Often rooted in issues of self-worth or a history of mistreatment, people-pleasing can ultimately be problematic for a person as they put another one’s needs before their own. If you recognize this behavior, awareness can help to break this habit.
Finally I will present to you how to apologize properly or how to identify an apology as a good one. If you want to ensure the other person that you will say sorry to accepts, it can be good to formulate and present the apology in a proper way. Want to know how? Keep on reading…
Feeling Like a Fraud: The Impostor Syndrome
When I started my first full-time job fresh out of university, I was so excited. Finally I could apply all my knowledge and start living as a completely responsible, successful and ambitious adult. But, the beginning was very rough. Learning to navigate new dynamics, dealing with difficult challenges and delivering good work was not a walk in the park at all.
I tried hard to be successful, so I kept on pushing myself and pretended I had everything together. Unfortunately, I felt pretty bad on the inside. Constantly there were doubts and negative thoughts running around in my mind. What am I doing here? How am I supposed to do this? Why do they look at me for making important decisions?
Every single time I had to fix something and colleagues seemed to trust my perspective on certain things, feelings of uneasiness kept creeping up. I knew without a doubt they would find out that I was not fit for the job, that my perceived competency was nothing but a big joke. Panic was felt almost on a daily basis and the strategy that I adopted soon was ‘fake it until you make it’.
Surely, everyone would find out at a specific moment in time that I was a big fraud and failing miserably, not knowing at all what on earth I was doing. This did not happen. Instead, accomplishments ensued and my clients provided positive feedback. After these achievements, however, my insecurity was still rampant. I guess I was feeling like an impostor…
What is the impostor syndrome?
In psychology terms feeling like a fraud is called the impostor syndrome. While this is not an official diagnosis, it is a concept many mental health professionals believe a person could suffer from. Currently it is seen as a combination of personality characteristics. The term was first mentioned by psychologists Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes (1978) in their research paper ‘The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention’ which claimed mostly high-achieving women deal with feeling like an impostor (nowadays, further research has shown everyone can struggle with it).
So, what exactly is the impostor syndrome? It can best be described as someone believing or experiencing the feeling of not being as competent as other people say or think they are. It basically means that someone thinks they are a fraud, got in their position by chance and this will soon come to light. This is linked to all sorts of skills, jobs or could occur in any social context. Think for example about a manager at a consulting firm, a singer in band or a successful stay-at-home mother who seems to have everything in order.
What are the typical signs?
When you suffer from impostor syndrome, there are several signs that could indicate you are dealing with it. Below is a list of these symptoms or personality characteristics. Not all necessarily have to apply to your situation, but if you tick many of these boxes then impostor syndrome seems likely.
Sign 1: not being able to evaluate your own skills, achievements and competence in a realistic way
Sign 2: not accepting recognition from others for successes or milestones and instead attributing them to external factors like luck or circumstances (often secretly)
Sign 3: fear of failure, seeing challenges in a negative way and scared that you are not good enough to succeed
Sign 4: fear that others will find out that your achievements are not due to your own merit, but instead due to luck/circumstances
Sign 5: being an overachiever and dealing with perfectionism and being very tough on your own performance or output
Sign 6: suffering from self-doubt, low trust in your own capabilities and ultimately standing in the way of your success
These signs can have a strong impact on your wellbeing. The impostor syndrome can result in feelings of anxiety and/or depression, because being hard on yourself while trying to overachieve can be very nerve-racking. Especially when you sabotage your own success it can make you feel worthless and incompetent. The risk with being insecure about your capabilities can lead to working harder and more which increases the chance of having a burnout.
What are risk factors for developing impostor syndrome?
Although every one of us can develop or struggle with impostor syndrome, there are a few risk factors that can trigger it. Based on information provided by Healthline (2021) there are certain areas in someone’s life that play a role and make the struggle with impostor syndrome more likely.
Childhood environment: If a child grows up in a family or environment where achievements and high intelligence are demanded, there is a lot of pressure to succeed. This can lead to comparison with both siblings and/or peers. Sometimes the parents or environment can be very controlling and critical of mistakes which can lead to insecurity and fear of failure.
Being part of a minority, racism or bias: It can happen that being a part of a minority (e.g. LGBTQ+ community), a particular race or gender plays a role in the development of impostor syndrome. Why? Because others could be judging based on stereotypes and have strong bias against them. For example, if people would say ‘women are not good at math’ then a woman who is good at math might struggle with impostor syndrome faster because of the prejudice.
A new challenge or different environment: If someone gets a new job, starts with a new study or any other new responsibility it can be difficult for them to be as confident as usual. If you have to do something you have never done before and there is pressure to succeed, it can increase self-doubt.
All in all there are many different situations and factors that can lead to impostor syndrome. It is important to think deeply which of these apply to your own life and experience. Only then it becomes easier to find the right path towards healing and struggling less with feeling like a fraud. To lend you a hand, I will share some general tips that can help fight it. Do note these are not tailored to your own situation.
How to deal with impostor syndrome?
If you want to conquer the impostor syndrome it is essential to be gentle with yourself. It is not a linear healing curve and feeling like a fraud might come back every now and then, whether during a stressful situation, a new job or even just on a bad day. Applying any of the following tips could help, if you are just starting to overcome impostor syndrome or if it resurges again.
Tip 1: Write down your accomplishments.
Every time you achieve something, which could just as well be small (you finally said ‘no’ to your colleague) or big (you landed your dream job), you should write it down somewhere. Keep a list on your phone in a notes application or in a diary. If there’s a day or moment where you feel like a complete failure it could help convince that you overcame challenges before and you are worth it.
Tip 2: Sort out facts from feelings/fiction.
If you feel bad about your own (lack of) competence it is helpful to make two groups with ‘facts’ and ‘feelings/fiction’. Apply the difference to the following situation: You pass a test and your teacher says ‘well done!’ but you believe you only did so because it was an easy exam. You could put ‘passing the test’ and ‘compliment teacher’ in the ‘facts’ group as these objectively happened. Your belief that ‘the test was easy’ should be put in the group ‘feelings/fiction’ because it is subjective. Someone else might think or experienced the test to be difficult and others might not have done so well.
Tip 3: Try to avoid comparing yourself to others.
Especially in current times there is a lot of emphasis on achievement and growth. It is quite easy to see other people doing well on social media. People that seem to have it all together. You are on your own path, there is always someone in the world that has done a better, faster job and someone that failed more than you. It is so important to see yourself as a unique individual and that learning something can take time, maybe even more than for others. That’s okay.
Tip 4: Talk to someone.
It could help to talk to someone else who is an outsider to the situation. They can assist with identifying potential irrational thoughts or give a different perspective. This could be a good friend, a family member, but it would also be worth it to check in with a therapist. Particularly when you feel overwhelmed with impostor syndrome and nothing seems to help, discussing underlying issues with a mental health professional can be a fruitful experience.
What It Means to Be a People-Pleaser
As humans we seem to be designed to help others. It is in our nature to ensure survival of others as it is difficult to do everything in life by yourself. Sometimes doing things for others can even be altruism, which can best be described as displaying a selfless act which benefits others and can even disadvantage yourself. Where would we be without it? Well.. a selfish and completely individualistic society which would be detrimental to our further existence as a species.
But, everything has a balance. Showing consistent, altruistic behavior without acknowledging or even fulfilling your own needs can do a lot of harm as well. Especially when this altruistic behavior turns you into what we in psychology terms call being a people-pleaser. This can be defined as:
‘a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires’
Like this definition shows, being a people-pleaser is someone who has the NEED to please others. It is something that they just HAVE to do. It is some sort of a coping mechanism, a way to avoid getting hurt and compensate for feeling worthless. Because why should a people-pleaser focus on their own needs if there are other people seemingly needing their help more?
Why can it be a bad thing?
The biggest trap with people-pleasing is that in the short run it can feel like a good thing. You are being kind, you are helping someone else, right? Yes. It will even make you look good, they will be happy with you. But, ultimately it also wears you out. It can make you cross your own boundaries. And how else can it impact you in a bad way?
Authenticity issues: overriding your own needs to please others means you are not living your authentic self. You basically push yourself away.
Relationship issues: if you please others you might get frustrated when others are getting what you want while you are putting the effort in. It creates an imbalance between you and the other person.
Anxiety issues: constantly trying to ensure other people get what they want requires being fully attuned to someone’s needs and emotions. This can be stressful and induce anxiety.
How to recognize it?
Surely, many of us are and try to be a good and kind person. There’s nothing wrong with that. We need to help people out. It is important and very valuable to be nice. But it is all about the balance. Therefore, I wanted to share a list of signs that could indicate you are more a people-pleaser than just a kind person:
You are very apologetic when other are around.
You are being taken advantage of by others.
You are scared to disagree with other people.
You avoid confrontation with most, if not everyone.
You find it difficult to be authentic or to show your authentic self.
On average, you spend way more time on other people than yourself.
There is a strong imbalance between what you give compared to what you take.
When something goes wrong, you take the blame. Even when it’s not your fault.
You find it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to say no to someone else.
As with any list, it does not mean you have to tick all these nine boxes. However, if you have around five or more it is safe to say you are a people pleaser.
So I am a people-pleaser. What now?
In another edition I will definitely do a deep dive into getting rid of people-pleasing behavior. Why not now? Well… I still have to ensure you come back! And, because people-pleasing can have so many different causes that are very often deeply ingrained in a person. Unfortunately a magic wand to quickly say ‘this is how to fix it!’ does not exist. Are you really suffering from people-pleasing? Please talk to a therapist or another mental health professional. There is no shame in that.
Regardless, I want to provide some general tips that can work when you suffer from pleasing everyone besides yourself:
Ask for help sometimes. That’s okay and perfectly normal.
Set boundaries. Know when it is enough and when you need to recharge.
Try to spend some time with just you. Think what you need yourself.
Write down what makes you happy and what you would like to happen.
Practice being assertive and addressing your needs to others. You’d be surprised what can happen!
How to Make an Apology Work
We’ve all been there right? Doing something that another person did not like. Or, the other way around. Someone else hurt you in a way that YOU did not like. For many, these are difficult situations to deal with. Sometimes this bad thing was even done unintentionally, but still struck the wrong chord with the people involved. If the wrongful party does nothing to clean the mess created, the relationship with the wronged person(s) can become strained and damaged beyond repair.
So, it’s apology time. Or at least time to zoom in on why it is so beneficial to apologize properly and how to do this. Trust me, making amends can feel so good! Research shows that a sincere apology is one of the strongest indicators of forgiveness when it comes to interpersonal relationships. To ensure a happy conclusion though, it is crucial that an apology ticks a few boxes. Which ones? Well, psychologist Guy Winch has mentioned five ingredients that are needed for an apology to work:
Ingredient 1: The apology should consist of a clearly mentioned ‘I am sorry’ statement.
Ingredient 2: There has to be a certain expression of regret about what exactly has happened.
Ingredient 3: It has to be acknowledged that something was done wrong, which could be not living up to a certain expectation or violating a social norm.
Ingredient 4: Empathy needs to be shown or stated which makes clear what we think the impact is of our actions.
Ingredient 5: The final part that the apology would need to make amends is asking for forgiveness.
While people have different criteria what makes them accept an apology, chances are that including all five makes it most likely. According to Winch, the ingredient forgotten by most to include is the empathy statement. This is essential for success though, as the empathy statement clearly shows that you are aware of the emotional impact of the wrongdoing.
To conclude this article I want to share an example situation and an apology that consists of all five ingredients. Let’s say due to work stress you forgot to prepare something for your anniversary with your partner even though it is very important to them. An apology could look like the following:
Dear (…), I am so sorry (1) that I forgot our anniversary yesterday (2). I know it is very important to you, me and us to pay attention to our anniversary (3). It might have felt as if I don’t care about you or us and that hurts a lot, know that I feel awful and I love you very much (4). Please accept that there is no excuse, I want to ask you for my forgiveness and I will do my best to make it up to you (5).
If you need to apologize. Try! Good intentions and being sincere can get you far. Who knows how much it will bring and mend…
Help spread awareness 💌 !
My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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Hi Alf, thank you for this amazing article. The way you write all this information it really makes it easy to understand and interesting. The 3 topics you choose for this article, are they related to each other? or is just a random pick topic?
Greetings from Ecuador!