Issue #12: Are You a Perfectionist?
Learn about what perfectionism means, how to embrace your sensitivity and reframing rejection
Dear mental health advocate,
Have you ever considered if you are a perfectionist human being? I know I am. Sometimes to my own frustration. Always wondering if I could be better, achieve more and do well. My mind can easily ruminate and stress me out with endlessly overanalyzing situations and experiences. So, in today’s issue I decided to focus on perfectionism and explain how people can be their own worst enemy.
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Are You a Perfectionist?
Do you recognize the feeling that in life sometimes things just feel like they do not work out the way you want to? Sure, it seems close, but just not how you imagined it. For me, this seems to be more the rule than exception in my life. I am not easily satisfied. I often believe I could have done things better, faster or smarter. It can be challenging to navigate these thoughts. For example, I am really good at knowing what I should have done or said - when it is too late. You might be familiar with that feeling, lying in bed at night reflecting on the day or something that happened a while back. Suddenly you are sure what you should have done. I consider this a perfectionist mind. Always looking for a way to succeed in the best way possible.
When you think of it, trying to be perfect or get the best result at first does not seem to be a really bad thing. I mean, there is nothing wrong with achieving something great. Working on being your greatest self we all should - in a way. But there can be a big difference when it comes to perfectionism. Because no one is perfect, and perfectly executing a goal or task is in many cases impossible. And this is why perfectionism is so unhelpful. It creates a discrepancy between your achievements and feelings, as no matter what you will do it will always lead to being unsatisfied. Because there is always something that could be improved. Ultimately it can be a curse standing in the way of your happiness.
What does perfectionism look like?
Well… although there is not always consensus what perfectionism exactly is, it seems clear that it involves extremely high standards which are in many cases unrealistic and hardly achievable. Next to this, perfectionists seem to link their self-esteem and self-worth to their accomplishments. Finally, people who are focusing on being perfect regularly suffer from negative consequences because they face difficulties holding themselves to their standards. Here is a list of signs perfectionists deal with:
Being overly critical about their achievements, skills, characteristics and even looks. This can also apply to others.
Not able to deal well with mistakes made. Beating themselves up because of these faults and excessively replaying them in their head.
Struggling with handing over control or delegating tasks. This means a preference for doing things alone instead of with others (like group projects).
Black-and-white thinking. Either they reach a goal or they don’t. Second place is considered a failure.
Goals and standards which are in general not achievable or very unrealistic, which means they set themselves up for failure right away.
The end result trumps the process. Basically only the achievement matters, not the road towards it (so, working towards the goal can feel negative).
Fear of failure. The idea they will not accomplish what they think they should can make them worry or anxious.
Negative feelings when goals are not met. This could be depression, hating on themselves or experiencing strong frustration and not being able to move on.
Self-worth issues. Nothing is ever good enough, their results reflect their self-esteem and worth.
Are you curious whether you are a perfectionist or not? Psychology Today has a test with 46 questions which could indicate you are dealing with perfectionism. Take the test here!
Is perfectionism always bad?
There is a lot of discussion in the mental health community whether perfectionism is all bad and an unhelpful mechanism, or also has some positive sides. I definitely believe there are some upsides too. When I think back to starting my mental health account on Instagram there were a lot of others out there doing the same thing. I set a goal to grow to a community of 50k in a few months posting everyday, all while being very enthusiastic about my intent to raise awareness. While achieving this was very difficult, leading to stress and comparison with others, it also made me focus and created a new passion of mine. Yes it was a struggle trying to be perfect, making everyone happy and not making mistakes, but it has also resulted in a learning process and trying to be a better version of myself.
Psychologist Joachim Stoeber tries to distinguish two different types of perfectionism: it can be adaptive or maladaptive. This simply means that sometimes perfectionism can have negative consequences, but sometimes also positive ones. For example, if you try to do things perfectly and it does not work out, but you learn from your mistakes it can help you grow as a person. It is more a form of perfectionism where you learn what you actually CAN achieve and stop thinking of unrealistic standards. Knowing your boundaries could assist with this. Other characteristics that are not necessarily bad and associated with perfectionism: being driven/motivated, ambitious, meticulous, disciplined and having feelings of responsibility for your actions or output.
Three types of perfectionists
As there is some discussion on perfectionism and how it affects people, psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett discovered particular traits and perspectives perfectionists have. Based on this, they distinguished 3 types.
Socially prescribed perfectionists: these are individuals who think they need to adhere to other people’s expectations of them. They believe there are certain norms imposed by society, work, family, friends and partners. As a result, they do not want to disappoint them and do everything in their power to live up to these standards. Most of the time these perfectionists are very critical of themselves.
Other-oriented perfectionists: in this case a person will not necessarily focus on being perfect themselves, but instead hold other people around them to very high, if not unrealistic standards. Perfectionism like this is seen as quite destructive and makes relationships very challenging. According to Hewitt and Flett this type has a lot of struggles with relationships due to the judgment they impose.
Self-oriented perfectionists: these people have specific achievements in mind and try to accomplish them by being as perfect as possible. Success and productivity is important to them, so they will work really hard to get where they want to be. This perfectionism can hold them back at times, but overall this type is considered most ‘adaptive’ in the sense that it can lead to a good mood and positive outcomes.
What can I do about being a perfectionist?
If you deal with perfectionism, you are not alone. Many people hold themselves and others to very high standards. A healthy dose of perfectionism is not bad, because it can lead to success and getting where you want to be. But if you feel it takes over your life, stands in the way of your own happiness or simply makes you struggle with your daily routines, here are some practical things you could do:
Set smaller goals. Having dreams and thinking big is okay, but if you want to get there you need to set smaller goals. Specifically, ones you are believe you can achieve. Try to be realistic with these.
Work in actionable chunks. It is easier to learn and deal with mistakes if you work in ‘boxes’ and tasks you can keep control over. Then you will have more overview, options to correct issues and avoid procrastination.
Accept failure. While it might sound challenging, allowing yourself breathing room helps with how you perceive yourself and your achievements. You are human, and no one is perfect.
Reflect and write down your thoughts and feelings. Are you still happy with your goal? Can you enjoy the process? Is it okay if it turns out different? Reflections can assist you with staying on track.
Become aware of triggers. What makes you feel bad? Which people, perspectives and things lead to your perfectionism? Only then you will know where you might need to adjust your thought processes.
📚 Some Good Reads
Welcome to my new feature! Here I will share some great reads by other psychologists, therapists and journalists. Free to access and of course related to our mental health.
Being sensitive is sometimes considered a weakness in society. When you react emotionally or show vulnerabilities to others, chances are people can and will judge you for it. But isn’t it time to accept and be proud of our sensitivities? Judith Orloff vouches for us to do so. Read the article ‘Embrace Your Sensitivities’ in Psychology Today here.
Rejection happens to all of us. However, the way we respond to it plays a vital part in how impactful it really is. Do we dwell on being rejected, or are we able to move on? Psychologist Kelsey Zimmerman discusses our response to rejection and tries to explain what to do. Read the article ‘Understanding and Reframing the Fear of Rejection’ in Neuroscience News here.
Positive psychology is such an important field. Sometimes, the mental health community can focus a lot on what goes wrong instead of what goes right. Many have thought about happiness, living a joyful life and how to improve our wellbeing. A great list of quotes by positive psychology experts will definitely help enlighten you. Read ‘50+ Positive Psychology Quotes: A Collection of Beautiful Reflections’ on Positive Psychology here.
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My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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Guilty as described - a "socially prescribed perfectionist." Certainly food for thought and changes to consider. It is a great article, I agree with The Birth of Venus response.
I’ve never thought of myself as a perfectionist because I feel I’m not always perfect and my end results don’t always come out as planned --- but that screams perfectionism 😭😂
This was a great article! Thank you:)