Issue #1: Are you sabotaging yourself?
Debunking some persistent mental health myths, spotting narcissistic partners and dealing with your inner critic
Dear fellow mental health advocate,
Today I want to share with you my first newsletter, which is something I am really excited about. I hope you will be too!
In the first edition of The Present Psychologist Paper I will zoom in on a few very strong mental health myths that even nowadays people keep sharing and actually are quite inaccurate. So if you ever hear these, you now will have more leverage to question their truthfulness!
Further on you can find a list of signs that could help you identify a narcissistic partner. If you feel your loved one seems to have a lot of grandiose and egotistical characteristics, this list might help you prove your hunches. But, always be careful with self-diagnosing and name-calling.
At the end some tips are given how to deal with your inner critic. We all have our perfectionist voice from within, but sometimes we need to find a way to mute it. Want to know how? Keep on reading…
Debunking a few persistent mental health myths
Talking about mental health has been a taboo for a very long time. Maybe since it is such a complex and ‘scary’ topic. Possibly because people are struggling themselves and are afraid to acknowledge this. Or, simply due to the fact that many of us have not been taught to discuss and show our feelings.
Imagine going to the office after a day of being ill. Saying 'I had to stay in bed all day because of a bad flu' seems way more accepted than 'I had to stay in bed all day as I was so depressed'. Often people will not understand.
The reason why people are scared to discuss their struggles is because they think they will be considered as a weak person. While there are people still thinking that, it is important to keep talking about it to normalize the existence of mental issues and lift the taboos surrounding it.
So, when talking about mental health there are many people spewing some mental health myths. A few of these I would like to cover here and debunk. Now, if you hear one of these you can respond to it properly:
Myth 1: 'Mental health issues mean you cannot function'
If you struggle with depression or anxiety for example, it can be debilitating but it does not have to mean you cannot function. Many people have a job AND mental health issues. They are able to get by without being completely stuck.
It is possible to have a life and suffer from mental health issues at the same time. Don’t ever let it hold you back or tell yourself otherwise. Although the struggle can be real, it is important to cut yourself some slack and take it step by step. Black-and-white thinking can lead to labelling people, while the actuality often is different and more of a grey area.
Myth 2: 'Mental health issues will not affect you, only others'
Around 1 in 5 adults in the US suffer from mild to severe mental health problems in any given year. But, these problems are not always present in someone's life, they can come and go or even manifest at a later stage. For example, the median age of onset for major depressive disorder is 32.5 years (ADAA, 2020).
So, it can be the case that someone who is not struggling at the moment can develop mental health issues at a later point in time. This means it can happen to anyone, also to you. Life is very unpredictable. It is vital that we are kind to others and try to avoid judgment. We cannot deny that we are vulnerable to mental illness ourselves as well.
Myth 3: 'Going to therapy means you are weak'.
Especially the older generation I hear this myth from (not to say that younger people don’t think so too sometimes). From what I gathered, it was often frowned upon to go to therapy in the past for older generations. Why? Because people thought it made more sense to solve your problems yourself and it shows weakness to discuss your issues with professionals or another person.
Some people still think so. But, just because you go to therapy does not mean you are weak. It helps to get an outsider perspective from a professional who can provide useful tools to cope with it. In a way, it can even lead to you becoming a stronger person because you are aware of your issues and you are dealing with them. Many would call that strength.
Signs your partner might be a narcissist
The term 'narcissism' might be a familiar one to you. It seems that nowadays you hear it everywhere, whether this is online, in a Netflix series or a book. To understand what narcissism means, it is vital to zoom in on this concept a little bit more so people hopefully won’t overuse the term. In this article I will explain where the name comes from, how therapists use it and how to possibly spot narcissistic traits in a romantic partner.
In clinical psychology, narcissism is seen as a trait that people can have which relates to feelings of grandiosity and other similar symptoms. The term 'narcissism' is based on a myth by Roman writer Ovid, where Narcissus was a handsome man who fell in love with his own reflection.
Therapists can diagnose someone who suffers from an inflated sense of self-importance with a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) if they meet certain criteria (click on the link to see the official list therapists often use).
Today I wanted to specify and elaborate a bit on narcissism in relationships specifically. Why? Because in romantic relationships narcissistic behavior can have harmful effects on a partner. It is possible for some that their partner has NPD or has a few of the characteristics that are associated with it.
There are warning signs important to be aware of, which could be corroborated by a professional diagnosis. This can be needed to start therapy and heal from trauma, for both parties. Please find below a list of warning signs, but remember to not self-diagnose or use terms 'narcissism' or 'NPD' lightly, as this can be damaging as well:
Sign 1: They were charming, had a big personality and made you feel great in the beginning, but are now making you feel worthless all the time
Sign 2: They have control in the relationship and are easily jealous or hurt by you even if you act normally
Sign 3: They hardly have any empathy for your feelings or actions if they don't benefit themselves
Sign 4: They are dramatic, overreacting and attention-seeking if they get hurt
Sign 5: They only value you when you fulfil their needs, they lash out if you don't
Sign 6: They claim to know better than you and often make you feel incompetent
How to fight your inner critic
A lot of us have to deal with a perfectionist and very difficult inner voice that makes us feel bad. Does it sound familiar to you to have a voice in your head going on and on in a very negative way and saying stuff like:
‘Are you sure that’s a good idea? You are not good enough for this’
‘Do you really think you are going to make it? Oh you are going to fail for sure!’
‘Look at them! You are definitely way uglier…’
This voice is what psychologists often call our ‘inner critic’. The part that tries to second-guess our every move, thought and confidence level. It can be frustrating to finally feel good about something, only to have it shot down by that nagging little voice inside. But guess what? This inner critic is not some uncontrollable voice coming from somewhere else, no, it is you!
Sometimes, we (un)consciously try to second-guess ourselves because we want to avoid a certain amount of risk. Like getting hurt. Or failing. This sabotaging voice is there to act as a fail-safe system so we won’t get hurt if we actually do fail. The only frustrating thing about this inner critic is that many times actually works the opposite way. It might prevent us from failing by not doing the task, but simultaneously it makes us feel bad by attacking our self-esteem.
So, how do we fight this inner critic? Below I have a few tips that can help with actively trying to deal with this pressuring sound. Try to use all of them for it to work best.
Tip 1: Become aware of your inner critic.
Write down thoughts when you are having inner dialogue with negative thoughts present so you will be aware of when your inner critic is active.
Tip 2: See the inner critic as a distinct character or entity.
Separate the internalised critical voice from yourself and give it a name so it feels like a different person, such as ‘Negative Nancy’ or ‘Annoying Andy’.
Tip 3: Respond to your inner critic.
Speak up against your inner critic by trying to convince the sabotaging voice that it is not speaking the truth or is not helping you out.
Tip 4: Create a substitute for your inner critic.
Put effort in creating a positive inner voice by affirming your worth and successes to prove the critic inside you wrong.
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Help spread awareness 💌 !
My name is Alf Lokkertsen and I am a psychologist and writer, creating mental health content for you. My passion is to raise awareness about topics related to psychology, as it has helped me greatly in my personal life. I strongly believe that many problems could be avoided or dealt with better if everyone had some in-depth psychology knowledge.
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