Emotional Immaturity

Understanding the impact of emotionally immature parents

Dear mental health advocate,

As psychologists we are taught the importance of emotional awareness, introspection and emotional availability. It is something we train very often. Unfortunately, many people do not find themselves in a similar position. Because of trauma. Because their emotional intelligence was never fostered. Because they grew up in an environment where emotions were seen as something bad or useless. In today’s free edition of The Present Psychologist Paper I want to discuss emotional immaturity with you. What this means and how it impacts us? Well… keep reading!

Emotional Immaturity Explained

One mistake people often make is that they assume adults are more emotionally developed than their children. However, this is not the case. Sometimes, sensitive children are more emotionally attuned than their parents. And how is that possible? With their parents having more life experience? Well, that is a question that deserves to be answered. As a psychologist, I am convinced the emotional immaturity that parents possess very significantly impacts mental health issues and trauma worldwide. I will explain to you why. Emotionally immature parents influence especially sensitive children negatively. This can lead to problems with relationships later on in life. I am not saying parents are always to blame, as they often suffer from a traumatic upbringing and passing this through generations (hence the term intergenerational trauma). It does NOT necessarily stem from malice. Emotional maturity is a skill that needs to be nourished, especially as you grow up.

Emotionally immature people tend to behave in a way that is very reactive to their environment, often in insecure and self-referential ways (using their own perspective as the main one). They struggle to handle stress or to manage emotional complexity. In these cases, their own feelings are often prioritized over objective reality to avoid the discomfort of emotional responsibility. Their own caregivers basically did not allow a lot of emotional expression, which leaves their children without the needed mechanisms essential to develop emotional maturity.

And what are the core traits of emotionally immature people? They include the following:

• Low amounts of empathy and low emotional awareness (about their own emotions and those of others)

• Very rigid thinking that looks very black-and-white

• Struggling to apply self-reflection and being accountable

• Very strong defense mechanisms and reactions as well as low tolerance for stress

• Being very preoccupied with themselves, insecure and emotionally avoidant

Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

A very interesting book by Lindsay Gibson called ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ discusses emotional immaturity very well (I highly recommend this book if all of this sounds familiar to your life growing up!). Here, she describes different types of emotionally immature parents that really helps you with putting into perspective what might apply to patterns from your upbringing. Below I will explain the four most common types that occur. If you want to dive deeper into this topic, definitely go and read her book! The common denominator is that each type shares the inability to be emotionally present and nurturing towards their children.

1. The emotional parent. This parent is often very volatile and unpredictable towards their children. They are easily overwhelmed or even what we call ‘emotionally flooded’. Their moods and fluctuations very much dictate how the household feels, impacts the stability and their children in many cases feel responsible for keeping the peace.

2. The driven parent. This parent is very much focused on results. They are task-oriented, very controlling, perfectionistic and are overly focused on appearances and overall achievements. Because of this, there is little room for emotions and intimacy.

3. The passive parent. This parent avoids emotions, is very conflict-averse and in general not really able to provide protection. When there is stress in the family, they retreat and emotionally abandon the other family members/children, even though they do not mean harm.

4. The rejecting parent. This parent is mostly dismissive, very detached from their children and in cases visibly hostile. They prefer distance from their children. In case the child does an emotional bid, the reaction is negative and bonding often (if at all) does not take place.

Effects on children

The main conclusion of emotional immaturity is that it leads to existential emotional loneliness in children. Why? Because there is a deep unmet need for authentic connection and attunement from their parents. Although most of their other needs might have been met, like getting food, a roof over their head or clothing, the fact that emotional intimacy was absent leads to intense feelings of isolation. The reason why the children feel lonely is because the parents fear emotional closeness and step back when feelings arise (both their own or their children’s. As a result, the child learns to hide their emotions so they will not trigger their parent. The difficult part is that the need of the parents overshadow those of the child. Perpetually then they will feel misunderstood, unseen and not enough. Important to note is that they can functional very well outwardly.

Emotional immaturity can leave deep scars. The children will figure out ways to deal with it and will apply both adaptive strategies and coping mechanisms. These consequences last well into adulthood. Below is an overview of all the effects:

• Struggles to form deep connections. Deprivation leads to intimacy feeling unsafe or not familiar. As adults they will think they are a burden of might be scared of abandonment.

• Prioritization of other people’s needs. A lot of the children internalize the role to take care of their parents by suppressing their own needs. As a result they will people please or even date people that are emotionally unavailable as that is what they know.

• No clear boundaries. There is a lot of guilt and shame involved as they had to adapt to their parent emotional state and fear of conflict. They might struggle to set proper boundaries.

• Low self-esteem and doubts. If your parents are inconsistent and do not meet your emotional needs, you start to question your own emotions. They resort to seeking external validation and questioning their own decisions.

• Dissociating from true self. If it was not possible to express your actual feelings or you were punished for it, many children play a role. This merges with their true self, struggling to become who you actually are.

So, what can I do?

If you feel this applies to your life, it is important become aware of the effects on yourself. Healing is a lifelong process and requires small steps. You can’t just flip a switch. But, if you want to focus on becoming an emotionally available and mature person, try to apply the following:

• Connect with yourself. It is crucial to get in touch with your authentic self. Recognize your needs, what you emotionally experience, keep a journal, introspect and become more aware of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

• Set boundaries. Don’t try to reenact what you experienced in your childhood. Try to heal your triggers, stay away from them and discuss your limits in a healthy, sustainable way (not aggressively).

• Protect yourself emotionally. Know that some people cannot be changed, they need to do their own work. Be realistic in what you can expect. In some cases this means you need to keep your interactions with certain people only surface-level.

• Find the right support. There are emotionally available and mature people out there. Friends, lovers, therapist. Seek them out. They can help you grow.

• Stop the rescue. It is very hard to change a stuck, emotionally unavailable and immature parent. Stop trying to fix them and focus on your own personal growth.

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