Dealing with Abandonment Fears
How to soothe wounds from the past
Dear mental health advocate,
As adults, we carry a lot of wounds with us from the past when we were young. Sometimes, our caregivers or parents leave us. Neglect us. They could pass away. During these times, when we are dependent on them, we are confronted with feeling alone or unsafe. As a result, we can develop and carry the innate belief that the people we care about will leave us. So today, in another free edition of The Present Psychologist Paper I will dive deeper into where a fear of abandonment comes from, how to recognize it and how to deal with it. Keep on reading!
Fear of Abandonment
Relationships are incredibly complex. In some cases, even a bit scary. They require a certain amount of vulnerability. Putting your love, trust, and heart into someone’s hands can create magical highs and living on cloud nine. At other times, it leads to feeling crushed, betrayed, and lonely. Sharing your life with a special someone is worth it, in my and many others’ opinion. But navigating a romantic relationship is not easy. Many factors play a role in the dynamic between partners. For example, the baggage a person carries. We grow up, experience impactful events, see how our parents interacted romantically, deal with traumas, and have different personalities influencing our love life.
If we grow up as a child and experience loss or trauma, this likely affects how we approach relationships in our adult life. Think about attachment styles and how stable our childhood home was. If there is a lot of instability and children feel unsafe while growing up, anxiety and worry are caused. There is a precedent shaped in how we perceive relationships. For example, a parent who emotionally abuses a child one day and the next day is the sweetest person ever can cause insecurity. Because the child does not know what to expect, they feel anxious. Will they get the nice and fun dad today? Or the angry mean one? The same feelings of worry and anxiety can be triggered when a parent neglects them, leaves permanently, or dies. And what can be the result? Well… abandonment issues.
What Does It Look Like?
Abandonment issues are, as just explained, often the result of negative childhood experiences like neglect, loss, or trauma. As an adult, it could be the case that you will expect people to leave you, or at least the possibility seems likely. This anxiety about people leaving you is considered fear of abandonment. It can result directly from the fear of being lonely or being left alone, yet again. Fearing abandonment does not always look like physical abandonment, but could also be emotional abandonment. Especially when a child learned that emotional expression was not allowed, they feel judged and scared. When sharing vulnerability as adults, they could think their partner will leave them, thus internalizing their worry.
This fear can show up in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. It’s not just about dramatic breakups or clingy behavior, it actually often is woven into everyday interactions. For example:
Trying to please your partner and doing everything for them so they will have what they want and need, all while ignoring your own needs.
Feeling anxiety, fear, and worry that your partner will leave the relationship and that you are not secure together.
Quickly attaching to people, even when they are not emotionally available or healthy for you.
Experiencing jealousy and trying to protect your relationship at all costs, while unintentionally suffocating your partner.
Being codependent, finding it difficult to focus on your own emotions and interests aside from your partner’s.
Staying in relationships that are unhealthy, simply because the fear of being alone feels worse than the pain of staying.
Trying to control the relationship, micromanaging or overanalyzing everything out of fear they will leave you.
Finding it hard to be alone, feeling unworthy and not confident when not in a relationship.
Sometimes, this fear manifests in self-sabotage. You might push people away before they get a chance to leave you. Or you might test your partner’s love by creating conflict, just to see if they’ll stick around. These behaviors are often unconscious, driven by a deep need for reassurance and safety.
Why It Hurts So Much…
Neuroscience backs up what many people feel in their hearts: emotional pain from abandonment activates the same brain regions as physical pain. The anterior cingulate cortex, which processes physical discomfort, also lights up when we feel rejected or emotionally discarded. That’s why heartbreak can feel like a punch to the gut, it is not just metaphorical. Your brain treats emotional loss as a real threat.
And it makes sense. From an evolutionary perspective, being part of a group was essential for survival. Being left behind could mean danger or death. So our brains are wired to fear separation. Even today, that ancient wiring can make a breakup feel like a life-or-death situation.
How Attachment Styles Play a Role
Psychologists often refer to attachment theory to explain how early relationships shape our adult ones. People with anxious attachment tend to crave closeness but fear rejection. They may constantly seek reassurance, feel devastated by minor conflicts, or interpret silence as abandonment. On the other hand, those with avoidant attachment may fear intimacy itself, pushing people away to avoid the pain of potential loss.
These patterns aren’t fixed. They’re adaptive responses to early environments. And while they can be challenging, they’re not permanent. With awareness and effort, people can move toward a more secure attachment style, where love feels safe and stable.
What to Do About It?
A lot of abandonment issues are rooted in loss, grief, trauma, and loneliness. Addressing these issues is necessary, which is difficult to do completely by yourself. Therapy is the best way forward. While this is not possible for everyone, here are some strategies you can apply already:
Talk with your partner about your past and your fears. It will help them understand better what your triggers and issues are, so they know what to expect and how to react.
But, what is vital: don’t put the responsibility in their hands. These fears and issues are your own, and only you can manage them.
Meet your own emotional needs by nourishing your feelings, practicing compassion, and understanding your triggers.
Build a life outside of your relationship. Most abandonment issues are based on the fear of loneliness. Put effort into making more friends, pursuing hobbies, and accepting alone time.
Challenge your inner narrative. When you catch yourself thinking “they’ll leave me,” ask: is this fear based on reality, or on past wounds?
Practice secure attachment behaviors. This includes being honest, setting boundaries, and allowing space in relationships without panic.
Reparent yourself. This means giving yourself the love, validation, and safety you may not have received as a child. It’s about learning to soothe your own fears and affirm your worth.
So… keep in mind
Fear of abandonment is not a flaw, it is actually a wound. And like any wound, it deserves care, attention, and healing. The journey to feeling secure in love starts with understanding where your fears come from and gently challenging them. You are not too needy, too broken, or too much. You are human. And healing is possible.
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Beautifully written. What I appreciate here is the reminder that abandonment isn’t a character flaw — it’s an attachment wound. So much of therapy is helping people relearn safety: that love doesn’t have to mean losing yourself, and aloneness doesn’t have to mean danger.